My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and I am beginning to get a little bit nervous. I really love him, and have no complaints whatsoever. My problem is this: I want to do something thoughtful for him for our one year anniversary, because it means a lot to both of us. I am having troubles thinking of something. I want it to be heartfelt, but I just can't think of anything. If you can help, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

It sounds like your boyfriend is sensitive which is good because you indicated that the one-year anniversary means a lot to both of you. The successful contemporary man is sensitive to his loved ones and communicates rather than being quiet about things. He is not quick to try to "problem solve" everything. He is not impatient. Recently, I went on a trip to Dallas and my significant other did something that was inexpensive, yet spiritually meaningful. In my suitcase, she left little notes in various pant pockets that said, "I love you," "I miss you," "Hurry back." She had a letter mailed to the place I was going to be at that was waiting when I arrived there. She suggested that you collect various mementos' that bring back the last year's memories.

You might even attempt to compile a package of things that would tell him, "Here's what I've learned about you during our year together". I would include for example, his favorite candy; a bottle of his favorite wine or drink; a CD of the song that is significant to both of you; his favorite cologne; an issue of his favorite magazine; a book by his favorite author. In essence, this package would tell him, "I've paid attention to you. I've cared enough to learn what you like and what you're interested in".

I’ve been seeing this guy for nearly two years. He says he still isn’t ready to have a girlfriend! If I date other people do you think he might take me more seriously?

He definitely will take you more seriously. I teach what is called social-exchange theory in my course on communication and relationships at LSU. According to this theory, the probability of a relationship continuing is a function of the perceived benefits over the costs of a relationship given what the comparison alternative is. Hence, a person will stay in a lousy relationship if being alone is more emotionally costly than being with someone whom they argue with a great deal. Some people have to be in relationships because they are preoccupied with being others if they are essentially incompatible with others. The idea of comparison alternatives is that a person has a range of alternative options to compare their current relationship to. Hence, if you date others you are nonverbally telling the fellow that there are other fish in the sea. He feels that you are dependent on him and is controlling you. The less secure person in a relationship is controlled by the more secure person because they feel that they have less comparison alternatives. Viable comparison alternatives are doing things for yourself, taking up other hobbies, seeing other people, and spending more time doing something else. You are letting this guy control you. What you are feeling reminds me of an old classic song by the Beatles called Got to Get You into my Life. They sing:

I was alone, I took a ride
I didn’t know what I would find there
Another road where maybe I could see another kind of mind there
Then I suddenly see you, Ooo did I tell you I need you
Every single day of my life?
Got to get you into my life.

It sounds like you want this guy in your life. However, you should look around similar to taking a ride and finding another mind (guy) as the Beatles sing. Yet, you still think about him even though he doesn’t take you seriously. Indeed, there are other fish in the sea.

I've been dating my long distance boyfriend for about a year. This past month was the longest we had gone without seeing each other. He started acting sensitive and cried every night. He would get upset because I would go out with my friends. Then we would argue for a couple days because I forgot to send him an email. Next I sent him an email and he was upset and said it wasn't long enough that I might as well not send one because it's a letdown to him when he's waiting for one and then it's short. Then later, he says to just send him an e-mail saying, "Hello." I 'm tired of this and I don't know what to do to fix it. I swear he's gone crazy and then he starts saying stuff like, yeah you're always right and that he's the one that is wrong. I really haven't done anything wrong. Yet, I apologized, but he doesn't see that he's acting crazy. hat can I do to make him understand that he needs to get a grip? I'm his first girlfriend and I'm sure that plays a role. He's 22 and I'm 20. Please tell me what's wrong with him.

He is young and immature. Though he's 22, he seems to have the mind of a child. He is possessive because he doesn't want you to spend time with friends. He may need some medication for mood swings. He could see a psychiatrist to discuss this. I discuss attachment theory in my interpersonal communication and relationships class. He could be what is known as an anxious-ambivalent. The anxious-ambivalent attachment is preoccupied with the availability of significant others, active in pursuing contact, sometimes coercive, and is often concerned with reassurance. In one of the few studies using attachment styles as a dependent variable, Carnelley and Janoff-Bulman (1992) found that attachments was best predicted by the nature of the relationship with the mother. Secure attachment was related to reporting an accepting mother while an anxious/ambivalent style was associated with an overprotective mother. A rejecting mother corresponded with an avoidant style. In addition, anxiety/ambivalence was associated with the number of times an individual reported having been in love without the other person feeling the same way as well as the difficulty in getting over a love relationship that has ended.

A number of years ago, some friends of mine in town had a band called the STONE POETS. Randy Poche, a guitarist and singer wrote a song called "CRAZY."

Randy sang:

What do you say when nothing's left to say
What do you do when there's nothing to do?
Where do you go when there's nowhere left to go?
Where do you hide when there's nowhere left to hide?

Well you go crazy, go crazy, go crazy, just go crazy.

What do you do when your back's against the wall?
What do you do when you're about to take a big fall?
How can you live standin' on the ledge?
What do you do when you're over the edge?

He seems to be over the edge. You should encourage him to seek other assistance, but do not continue to play mind games, feel guilt, and be controlled. Good luck.

I have been married to a girl for 2 years who was previously married to an abusive and controlling loser. I also know I bring issues of my own from a previous marriage also. I moved up to her area for her. I realize I am a forceful personality myself. One thing I've always wanted was to feel and hear from her this marriage and our relationship is numero uno. In my own way pressing for that makes her feel I also am controlling. One thing, I have never raised my hand to her and never would. For the record she was beat and alot of other things by her ex. How do I find a way to communicate with her and solve this problem for us both ? People get married because being together is what they want,and I do realize they still need to be individuals. Even though her kids are grown I do feel as though our relationship is secondary to them and their relationships. Isn't it time for her to have her own also? How do I approach her and have positive dialogue about this topic?

People get married for a variety of reasons including the desire to alleviate loneliness. One of the axioms of human relationships is "The communication is the relationship." Some people marry for money as the current show on Fox TV, "Joe Millionaire" alludes to. I have written about the six types of love. You can see this in the archives for the September 24, 1999 column. Go to archives and use the search word "game-playing." It appears that your wife values her relationship with her children. Trying to force her to spend less time with them will only make matters worse. Instead, try explaining to your wife that you value time alone with her and would like more quality time with her. Suggest that you spend time doing the fun things that you did while dating. Remember that you are not in competition with her children. Spending time with your wife AND her children will strengthen and bond all of you and will show your wife that you are willing to give also.

I have a friend whom I feel very close to. We have know each other for over a year now. The past five months we have been doing something together just about every weekend. We talk just about everyday. Sometime it's about our problems, kids or just to laugh(because we do a lot of that). We are only friends but my close friends are not fond of him, yet not one of them can give me a valid answer why they don't like him. It's gotten to the point that I don't tell them when him and I do thi n gs together because I don't feel like hearing the backlash I'll receive. I am currently going through a divorce and I never put myself in any situtation where he and I are ever alone together. Please understand he is not the reason for my divorce. I enjoy his company and regard him as one of my best friends. I'd be lying if I didn't say I wanted more but I wouldn't want to risk losing him as my friend. I've told my friends that my relationship with him is my business. I respect their opinions but that's all. They've even gone as far and telling my 22 year old daughter they don't care for this man. This has upset her because she really likes this him. He has never made a pass at me and has made it clear that he would never fool around with a married woman, he's also very catholic. I find him a kind, caring and compassionate man who is devoted to his children. He knows that these people don't care for him because I made a promise to him that I would never lie to him (his ex did this to him). How can I make my close friends realize that he is a good person to me? You would think my friends would want me to have a friend who has enongh character that he hasn't taken advantage of me spite everything I'm going through in my personal life. I hate the fact that I am having to lie just to be friends with someone that I think is worth it. Any suggestions?

First of all, here's a question to you: "Why are you lying to the people who have been your friends for a while, and promising your "new" friend that you would never lie to him? Your old friends have probably seen a personality trait in your new friend that sends warning signals to them. They seem to have your best interests at heart. There is a concept in interpersonal communication called "balance" that deals with anxiety and ambivalence. A balanced state occurs when two friends are attracted to a third party and both like the third party. An imbalanced state occurs when you and your friend disagree on how much you like someone else. People are motivated to achieve balance. In order to restore balance, your friends will either start to dislike you or you will start to dislike them. Try communicating with your friends and get to the root of their dislike. Try receiving their advice as "constructive criticism". This will help you to step away from the relationship with your new friend, and see him in another light. When you have done this, you will be more receptive to their suggestions. If you are truly hoping for a relationship with this guy, have him spend time with your friends, and let them get to know him better. It seems as though you are hiding him from them, and therefore depriving all parties of the opportunity to interact with one another.

Following are the essential characteristics of friendship based on the work of psychologist Lillian Rubin in her book, Just Friends: The Role of Friendship in Our Lives.

EIGHT ESSENTIAL ELEMENTS OF ANY FRIENDSHIP

1. ENJOYMENT: Friends enjoy each other's company.
2. ACCEPTANCE: Friends accept each other rather than attempt to change one another.
3. MUTUAL ASSISTANCE: Friends count on one another for help and support.
4. CONFIDING: Friends share feelings and experiences.
5. UNDERSTANDING: Friends understand why each acts as she or he does.
6. TRUST: Friends trust one another.
7. RESPECT: Friends respect one another.
8. SPONTANEITY: Friends can express their feelings at the moment.

SIX UNIVERSAL RULES OF FRIENDSHIP:

1. Respect another's privacy.
2. Look the other person in the eye during conversation.
3. Do not discuss that which is said in confidence with the other.
4. Do not indulge in sexual behavior with the other person.
5. Do not criticize the other person publicly.
6. Seek to repay debts, favors, or compliments, no matter how small.

Elton John sings:

There isn't much I haven't shared with you along the road
And through it all there'd always be tomorrow's episode
Suddenly that isn't true
There's another avenue beckoning the great divide
Ask no questions, take no side
Who's to say who's right or wrong
Whose course is braver run
Still we are, have always been will ever be, ask one.

Dear Dr Jim, [Thanks in advance if you answer my question. I'm asking you because I've read through advice columns for months on the internet, and yours seems like sound advice.] A year ago I started a new job. I hit it off with a co-worker there right away and we have a great relationship. I believe that he's someone I would want to marry, except I am having such serious problems with jealousy and trust. A few months into our relationship, my boyfriend told me that he had begun a relationship with one of our co-workers while she was engaged. She was his first relationship of any kind. He was in love with her for a long time but their relationship ended when she finally got married two years ago. I feel disappointed that my boyfriend would have an affair, but my friends say that she wasn't married so it doesn't matter. More importantly, I'm obsessively jealous. I work with this woman and she seems to have it all. I know my boyfriend loves me, but I know their relationship only ended because she got married. (Indeed, they were intimate up until a week before the marriage.) I can't stop thinking about how attractive she is and why my boyfriend would be with her so long knowing she was engaged. How do I know he won't subconsciously pine for her the rest of our lives? Also, it makes me uncomfortable that our co-workers and her husband don't know about their relationship. My boyfriend is willing to move to another state. Before he does this, I wonder if I can ever stop being so jealous and trust his character, or is the relationship already doomed?

I am afraid that the relationship may be doomed. I would not trust the boyfriend or the woman. It is hard to believe that someone who is engaged would be intimate with someone who is not her fiancee' up until right before the wedding. She is not trustworthy. He isn't either even though it is his first so-called love. Go into the archives for August 24, 2002 and take the test I give about three types of jealousy. See what type of jealousy that you routinely manifest, if any. You allude to the fact that the other woman is attractive. She may be a bit of a flirt since physical beauty is sometimes used to entice and control men like lap dogs. The fact that he was with her right up until the marriage indicates something his character and values. He may be lonely and unsure of himself. He craves the attention of a physically attractive woman even though he may not be that physically attractive himself. The modern man can no longer use money as a way to attract women since more women go to college than men and women are their own breadwinners. The prior generation of women looked upon men as "success objects" while women were viewed as "sex objects." What happens when a woman is also a success object? Research has revealed that few men are viewed as "sex objects" by women because they have beer-bellies, watch sports as couch potatoes, do not exercise, etcetera. Yet, the woman is expected to be physically attractive. The modern, contemporary man takes time out to communicate with his mate and family. She also has a career. He's career is the "end-all, be-all" breadwinning pot that it was 20 years ago. We have dual-career families. Look out for yourself as it sounds you are doing. There is a basic fear, trust, and insecurity issue working here. Good luck.

Dear Jim, After a 20 yr. marriage, I divorced with the intent to simply live independently, enjoy my adult children and really dig in to my career. Instead, I fooled around, fell in love, got pregnant... with a man who has another child with a (clinically) mentally ill former wife. Could it get worse? Because he had such a horrible marriage to his first wife, he vowed "never to do that again". I am not her. I am not insane. I am not mean. I am not angry. I am not inconsiderate. I am respectful, responsible, kind, caring, loving, loyal. I love this man with all my heart. I have feelings for him that I never once felt for anyone else. Because of this insane promise he made to himself, he will not allow that last 1% of his heart to let go of that fear. He says he is as committed to me as if we had the marriage certificate, and can not understand why I am not willing to just accept this as a permanent commitment. I never thought I would want to get married again. I have learned that there is no way to control your heart... if you do not love someone, you can not force yourself to (nor should you!)... and if you do love someone, you can't just turn it off. I do love him with all my mind, body and soul. I do want to be married to him. I desperately want that 100% commitment. I have proposed to him in many ways - all have been rejected... in a sexy gown, on my knees, in email, in cards, before... during... after... making love. Certainly, I am not going to leave him because he won't marry me. But I gotta tell ya, knowing my feelings are not returned - it's emotionally draining. Do you have any insight to my dilema? I would love to know I am not alone in this problem; and to know that others have had this kind of situation turn around in their favor. Thanks.

You have what is known as unrequited love. You love him, but he doesn't return the love in kind. This is related to conditional love. You sound like you have what is known as a preoccupied attachment in that your thoughts are consumed about him. It is too bad that you had a child out of wedlock. Is their co-parenting? You cannot force him to love you or be committed. Love is an emotion; commitment is a decision. The only thing you can do is to emotionally withdraw, hoping he will come to you. But that reflects what is known as game-playing love that is manipulated. This is a no-win thing. What is your relationship with your adult children? I would recommend that you listen to an old song by a group known as Queen. The lead singer, Freddie Mercury, sang about Finding Someone to Love. He sang, "Find me somebody to love." This is really what you are seeking. Yet, there may be love from your adult children, your newborn child, or other people. Good luck!