Monday morning I woke up with my usual anxiety attack that I've been having since I discovered what she had done, and I knew something was still wrong. We had talked about getting engaged that weekend and she wanted that to happen quickly. I realized then that my problem had been making the commitment to her and not that I had wanted to be with someone else. I found some good sites on the web including yours and read some self help books. Recently I've given her what she always wanted. An Engagement ring. I am still having a tough time with things, as is she. We've made each other have painful memories and thoughts, but are sticking together and working on things the best we can. Please give some advise, on how to make things better.

Some of us have trouble meeting even a single man or woman in this town, but you and your fiancee didn't have trouble meeting available comparison alternatives. Two wrongs don't make a right as you know. The reason for her infidelity was emotional detachment from you. A colleague of mine at the University of Arizona, Laura Guerrero, discusses sexual and emotional infidelity. Women are very upset when their "man" starts to spend time and share communication and disclosure with another man. Emotional infidelity refers to emotional involvement with another person which leads one's partner to channel emotional resources such as romantic love, time, and attention to someone else. Men get upset at sexual infidelity. It is devastating when emotional infidelity is mixed with sexual infidelity.

I would continue to take antidepressants and go to premarital counseling in order to fully discuss these issues. I teach a communication workshop at the Catholic Life Center for engaged couples.

The reason many men are not willing to commit is that they want to be sure that the women really UNDERSTANDS him. Does she understand your motivations, strengths, weaknesses, fear of failure, etcetera without being judgmental? It sounds like she does. You mentioned "unconditional love." Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discusses how many people on their deathbeds crave unconditional love. A major purpose of life is to find unconditional love from someone who admires and respects us. Yet, life is about conditional love. Unconditional love is a journey. For some the journey never goes anywhere while for others, the journey is short, long, straight, meandering. What is your journey?

I would continually remind your fiancee how much you love her. Show her through doing little things such as favors, flowers, compliments.

You must also realize and I know this wholeheartedly that Baton Rouge, once you have found someone stick with them for the comparison alternatives are often more costly than what you currently have. The idea that the grass is greener on the other side often results in shock that the green grass on the other side is filled with weeds, poison ivy, poison oak, and mosquitoes. We often take for granted those who are important in our lives. Periodically, we must show them our love. People who have been married for 50 years attest to this according to the research.

You are blessed to have your fiancee. Be like an oak tree that matures as it ages and gets stronger. Both of you have roots. Cherish one another. I wish you the best.

My heart goes out to you Denise. I am from Dallas and as a native Texan, I take pride in my state. You are emotionally and psychologically divorced from your husband. You are staying with him for your child, but he/she knows what is going on, I bet. Following is a description of three types of marriage that is discussed by my colleague at the University of Wisconsin, Professor Mary Anne Fitzpatrick. According to Fitzpatrick, individuals adhere to one of three relationship definitions in marriage: traditional, independent, and separate. Traditionals are very interdependent in their marriage, have conventional beliefs about marriage and family, and report an expressive communication style. They show cooperative and conciliatory behaviors (e.g., factually describing problems). While traditionals discuss important issues, they manage conflict by avoiding discussion or denying the existence of a problem on unimportant issues. Independents use confrontative remarks (e.g., criticizing partner, denying responsibility, use of hostile jokes or sarcasm). Independents are moderately interdependent, have nonconventional views about marriage and family, and report a very expressive communication style. Separates are not very interdependent, have ambivalent beliefs about marriage and family, and report very little expressivity in their communication. Separates demonstrate hostility toward the partner while withdrawing from the discussion if the partner disagrees. Following are 3 paragraphs that describe each of the types. Read them and rate yourself. See which one you are. Type 1 is the traditionals, Type 2 is the independents, and Type 3 is the separates.

Type 1: You believe that your marriage is very important and that you should sacrifice some personal independence for the marriage. You believe in stability and stress the importance of being able to predict your partner and your life together. You spend a lot of time with your spouse, avoid conflict in general and may argue only over very important issues. You actually disclose more positive than negative feelings-matters that are hardly risky to reveal. You and your spouse present yourselves as a couple to others and downplay distinct individual traits, habits or skills.

You believe you are highly interdependent in your marriage with your spouse. You may engage in conflicts with your partner when the issues are serious ones.

Type 2: You believe that a marriage exists for the gratification that the relationship gives to partners and that marriage should be based on the satisfaction that each partner gets from the relationship. You believe that in this quickly changing world it is vital that each individual has a strong sense of sense of self that is not lost just because that person is married. You do not keep regular daily schedules with your partner and you have outside friends and interests. You disclose both positive and negative feelings to your partner. You are not afraid to openly express your views, are likely to engage in conflict, bargaining, and negotiation. You may agree to disagree.

You hold what some may consider non-conventional values about marriage. You are moderately interdependent with your partner and willingly engage in conflicts whether or not the issues are serious ones.

Type 3: In your marriage, togetherness is a matter of habit and convenience. You believe your marriage is stable yet includes little sharing of time together. The major points of contact occur at mealtimes or other regularly scheduled daily events. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict. You have a sense of duties and obligations connected with being a husband or wife. Even though you tend to avoid conflict, you may sometimes confront your partner and take a verbal "pot shot" at the other. You feel you can not express your innermost thoughts to your partner. You are careful in conversations with your partner, tend not to interrupt each other, and generally don't talk very much to your partner. You see marriage as the product of factors that are outside your control, factors that are part of normal stages of life.

Which type best describes you?

You would have to be a Type 3 or what is known as the separates. You are emotionally and communicatively separated. You don't share anything with him except that he is the father of your child.

John Gottman also describes the emotionally intelligent husband and father. He conveys his RESPECT to her. The new husband is likely to make his career less of a priority than his family life because his definition of success has been revised. Unlike husbands before him, he naturally knows his wife's inner feelings, expresses his fondness and admiration for her, and turns TOWARD her rather than away. This benefits not only his marriage but his children as well. Research by John Gottman shows that a husband who can accept influence from his wife also tends to be an outstanding father. He is familiar his children's world and knows all about their friends and their fears. Because he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings and themselves. He turns off the LSU football game for them, too, because he wants them to remember him as having had time for them.

This new type of husband and father leads a meaningful and rich life. According to Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work,

"Having a happy family base makes it possible for him to create and work effectively. Because he is so connected to his wife, she will come to him not only when she is troubled but when she is delighted. The people who matter most to him will care about him when he lives and mourn him when he dies.

"The other kind of husband (which you unfortunately appear to have) and father is a sad story. He may be authoritarian or withdraw into a lonely shell. He godes not give others very much honor and respect because he is engaged in a search for the honor and respect he thinks is his due. He will not accept his wife's influence because he fears any further loss of power. And because he will not accept influence he will NOT have very much influence. The consequence is that no one will much care about him when he lives nor mourn him when he dies." (Gottman, 1999; p. 110)

I advise you to get Gottman's book and have him read it. If he refuses, divorce the man. There are different types of divorce: 1) emotional, 2) psychic, 3) community, and 4) legal. You are already in three of these; only the legal divorce is remaining. The community divorce is where you tell family, friends, and members of your social network what is going on and your side of the story.

You probably remain married to his guy because his level of income is high. The modern woman is no longer economically dependent on the male patriarch. Those days are gone with the wind. A majority of the students on college campuses are women. They are empowering themselves through education and subsequently, economic independence. The male who refuses to accept this is lonely as hell. As Gottman says, "No one will mourn him when he dies."

I understand what you are going through. As a fellow Texan to a Texan, gird up your loins. You will decide what is in the best interests of you and your daughter. You can always go back to school as well or work yourself.

I am very frustrated and this is all very painful. I don't want to hurt my husband or anybody. I think that the best thing is to forget him but I can't since I see him everyday. I'm happy with my job so I don't want to leave it. I want to remain friends but cross-sex friendship has its limitations and challenges. I think that I need to be desired because of my past rejections. Please give me some hints on how to cope with such a situation.

Make a commitment to your husband first and foremost. My brother and sister-in-law work together as well and own an advertising business. They are around each other all the time. You mentioned that your friend listens, is understanding, and shows respect. Does your husband do this? If he does, give him credit. The research of Beverly Fehr (1993) reveals that respect is a major part of passionate love. You appear to be attracted to your husband because he is competent at his job and cares for you. Yet, you may not have physical attraction. What do you look like? The matching hypothesis that is discussed below says that there is more attraction when people of similar levels of physical appearance encounter each other. People of similar looks fall "in love" faster. People of dissimilar looks take longer to become romantically attracted. Focus energies on attending to your husband and your relationship. Indeed, I would go to a counselor.

Extra-marital affairs destroy people. The payoff is poor. The pain that is caused by the infidelity to all parties is not worth the fleeting pleasure. Wallerstein and Blakeslee (1990) wrote a book called Second Chances. The book follows up people who divorced and the pain and turmoil of extra-marital affairs. Joe Pittman has also research the pain of infidelity in his book on extra-marital affairs.

Work on self-esteem issues with a counselor. For example, how you may dress, working out, or improving yourself physically and spiritually.

Social exchange theory says that people want to maximize rewards and minimize costs in communicating with others. An interpersonal relationship derives profit to the extent that the rewards outweigh the costs given what the comparison alternative is. There are different types of rewards and costs; short-term versus long-term, material, physical, social, spiritual, communicative. A person who is in a costly relationship may stay in the relationship if the comparison alternative of being alone is more than he/she can endure. Examples of material rewards are home ownership and family income. Costs are the financial expenses of divorce. Examples of symbolic rewards are educational/occupational status and social similarity. Examples of symbolic costs are the obligation toward the marital bond, religious constraints, pressures from the community, and pressures from kin. Examples of affectional rewards are sexual enjoyment, companionship, and esteem.

The equity norm states that relationships are more satisfying when partners in a relationship communicate and perceive that the proportion of positive outcomes to investments is EQUAL between partners. The equality norm states that interpersonal relationships are more satisfying when partners in a relationship perceive they are receiving equal outcomes regardless of investments. Hence in terms of the matching hypothesis, appearances of people change. Yet, research reveals that couples who have been married for 25 years, tend to physically resemble each other in terms of posture, choice of color clothing, weight distribution. A person married to a person who frowns a lot will also frown more. It is called facial mimicry.

The matching hypothesis has been tested in numerous studies and withstood the test of time. I would read the following articles:

Folkes, V. (1982). Forming relationships and the matching hypothesis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 8, 631-636.

Kalick, S. M., Hamilton, T. E. (1986). The matching hypothesis reexamined. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 51, 673-682.

Good luck with your research and please keep me informed of the results of your project. I would like to read your report.

You need to move on and develop other interests. You are going nowhere with him. It sounds like you may be using him for simple sex. Why did you and your husband divorce? What were the areas of incompatibility? Were there problems in interpersonal communication? Trust is something that is earned and not handed out on silver platters. It's obvious that the woman is unstable and insecure because the State removed her child. Why did the State do that? To have your child removed by the state really means that she has committed acts of significant detriment to her child. What kind of person is she? What kind of person is he?

The fact that his friends know him and believe he is untrustworthy says volumes about what may be occurring. How did he meet this woman? What led him to be her "Sugar Daddy"?

Annie, you already have doubts. You really know that you must move on. I could be wrong, but the primary reason you continue to see him has to do with social exchange theory and what is known as comparison alternatives. Comparison alternatives refer to other interests, hobbies, pursuits, and people. Apparently, you have not met someone else or developed new interests in the 12 year period since your divorce. Unless you develop comparison alternatives, you will long for the scoundrel because you have nothing else that you see as important in your life. MOVE ON. It's better to live with oneself and have dignity than to be used.

I would consider alternative interests. You have survived for 12 years in a separate city. Unfortunately, he needs to be thousands of miles away. Put your own dignity first. Go back and look at the archives on six types of love. He does not really love you. He loves his own needs. Esteem yourself and good luck. I hope this helps.

There is an old saying, "To have never loved, is worst than to have loved and lost." Indeed, the work of Warren Farrell at the University of California, San Diego reveals how through socialization, men look at women as "sex objects" while women look at men as "success objects." Yet, the modern woman has economically empowered herself through education and the pursuit of careers. Hence, she is now a success object.

Your inability to love makes me think of a classic old rock n' roll song by the J. Geils Band called Love Stinks.

They sing:

You love her, but she loves him
And he loves somebody else, you just can't win
And so it goes, 'til the day you die
Thing thing they call love, it's gonna make you cry
One thing's for sure
Love stinks, love stinks

Two by two, and side by side
Love's gonna find you, yes it is, you just can't hide
You'll hear it call, your heart will fall
Then love will fly, it's gone, that's all
I don't care what any Casanova thinks
All I can say is
I've been through diamonds, I've been through minks
I've been through it all
Love stinks.

These lyrics are sad. Yet, they reveal the fear and vulnerability of loving someone. The opening three lines of the song reflect unrequited love which characterizes most of our attractions throughout life. We often are attracted to someone who is not attracted to us because they are with someone else, are unaware of our subliminal desires, and so on. So, we keep these feelings to ourselves.

You fear being abandoned which is reflected in the second stanza of the song. According to attachment theory, we have 4 styles of attachment that are derived from the mother because she is the primary care-giver and historically spends more time caring and nurturing the infant and the developing child. Researchers observe what happens when the mother leaves her child at a day-care center and how the child reacts to the mother's departure and return. Some children are content and start playing with other children. These are called 1) secure attachments. These kids feel secure in their attachment with their mother. They feel loved. They are optimistic about life.

On the other hand, some kids have temper tantrums at their mother's departure and then when she returns they run to her. These kids have been given unpredictable patterns of reinforcement. They are obsessive-compulsive and preoccupied with their mother's departure. These kids are the second type of attachment, the preoccupieds. In adult relationships, they are into co-dependency, prone to jealousy, hot and cold, and moody. They have to be in the presence of someone, have to be in a relationship no matter how lousy it is. The third attachment reaction involves kids who ignore their mother when she returns. These are dismissive avoidants. They have learned that mother is away for long time periods and "to hell with her"--because her return is not systematically predictable. In a sense, these kids feel unloved. These kids become self-reliant and are dismissive of forming adult relationships because they have learned that they must rely only on themselves. They fear being hurt. The fourth kind of attachment is the fearful avoidant. These kids feel unloved as well. When the mother leaves, the child withdraws and goes into a corner, has difficulty playing with others. When the mother returns, the child does not return immediately to the mother like the preoccupied does but returns sooner than the dismissive avoidant. Dismissive avoidants feel good about themselves while fearful avoidants feel bad about themselves. Dismissive avoidants view others negatively as do fearful avoidants.

Since you and your Mother were abandoned, you fear this will happen again. You are a dismissive avoidant. You believe that men are not to be trusted. However, issues of trust abound in both sexes. You are going to have to take chances and learn from these. In this instance, it's more of a case that "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" is true as opposed to "Nothing ventured, nothing lost." Go and play the J. Geils song or request it on a record station that plays old rock classics. Try to develop trust and start venturing out. Good luck.

This is partly a "culture" thing. Hispanics are collectivist while Americans are individualist. Collectivists define themselves as part of a group. They have personal goals that overlap with the goals of their in-groups, in this case the "family." It is all for one and one for all. Individualists take pride in their own self-identity and independence. They have personal goals that may or may not overlap with the groups they associate with. If there is a discrepancy between the two sets of goals, then personal goals outweigh in-group goals. The needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many. Selfishness and competition is a characteristic of individualism.

The research by Ted Singelis and William Brown reveals that individuals in all cultures have varying degrees of individualism and collectivism. Even in personal relationships, partners sometimes want their space and to be alone while at other times, there is a strong desire to be together. It is a problem when one wants to be together while the other doesn't. There has to be communication and negotiation.

Americans tend to be spoiled by having access to space. Think of Bruce Wayne in the Batman comic strip who lives in a mansion with only his butler, Alfred. It is ridiculous to think that he needs all those rooms and space. Most rooms collect dust and are never used.

What you describe makes me thing of a classic song by Tom Petty and Heartbreakers who were just inducted into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. The name of the song is "Don't Come Around Here No More"

Don't come around here no more
Whatever you're look for
Don't come around here no more
Give it up, stop!

I don't feel you anymore
You darken my mood
Whatever you're looking for
Don't come around here no more
Give it up, stop!

You tangle my emotions
Give up and finally admit it's over (Hey!)
Don't come around here no more.

Historically, women are more likely to initiate a breakup than men. They file for divorce more than men. Why? If a dating woman makes a mistake with the "wrong" guy, it is more costly for her. There are many more single mothers around than single fathers. The women is impregnated and left with the child. It's OK for guys to "play the field." Ironically, women who "play the field" have historically been given bad names. You can think of these names.

The work of John Gottman and others reveals that guys do not pay close attention to their intimate relationships. Women bring up more problems and tend to report less relational happiness than guys do. The number one complaint that women have about males is that they withdraw when discussing serious issues pertaining to the relationship and they are unemotional. The number one complaint that men have about females is that they nag and whine since they bring up the relational issues. His withdrawal leads to her wanting to confront the issues which then results in further withdrawal. It is a vicious closed cycle of repetition.

When guys lose their female partners, they often lose the only person that they could self-disclose intimate or vulnerable information to. Women tend to have more friends and get together and simply talk. Guys do activities together that do not lend themselves to communication and self-disclosure. Hence, he has no one to disclose to when the relationship is over. It is not "manly" to discuss personal, relationship issues with other guys. Even men at work tend to disclose more personal information to females. Females are the recipients of disclosures from both males and females. Even on the elementary school playground, there is more talk among girls while boys are running and chasing and being "competitive." Yet, women are shocked when the little boy who has never been rewarded or socialized for being an open communicator (i.e, he would be seen as wimpy) is not an open communicator with them as an adult. It is hard to overcome a life time of not being rewarded for open communication and to suddenly disclose negative or vulnerable information to a female partner. We have stereotypes that women are emotional while men are not. Men tend to disclose positive information that does not make them appear vulnerable or weak. Vulnerable information is only disclosed to a female partner whom the man really loves. He thinks that she understands his strengths and fears.

Your boyfriend is coming around because he has no else to turn to. Women are more likely to congregate in small groups than men and talk. Women will discuss their breakups with their mothers, sisters, and friends. Guys are less likely to have someone to reveal their hurt and pain. They are supposed to be "manly" and take it in without showing hurt or emotion.

When a three-year old little boy skins his knee, he is allowed to cry for 1 minute. If his twin sister skins her knee, she can cry and cry. Hence, she is expressing emotion and rewarded for it. If he continues to cry, he is quickly told not to do that and that he should be a strong little man. In my book, I show a picture of a guy sitting at a bar after a breakup staring into a bottle of beer. I also show a picture of women sitting around discussing their relationships.

Men often use women as crutches for their own emotional insecurity. Hence, they remarry faster than women simply to have a female companion; perhaps someone they can disclose to. It's sad and pathetic. The modern woman needs to learn that many men have not analyzed their own weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and self-identity. My advice to men at the outset is to self-analyze your own weaknesses before entering into a romantic relationship. If you don't you understand yourself and your values, you are setting yourself up for a series of breakups.

The research by Burnett and myself (cited in my book) clearly shows that men are very ignorant about discussing relational matters. They get frustrated and try to withdraw. There is also a classic song by the group America whom I've cited in this column (see archives) called "Lonely People." In a sense, men are relatively lonely because their so-called male "friends" are used for drinking, doing activities, sporting events and drinking more beer. This guy comes around because he is so lonely.

If you want more specific citations and references, write me.

Leena, go to the archives and use the keyword "unrequited." We often love people who do not love us. Look at what you have written yourself, "If you do not love someone, you can not force yourself to and if you do love someone, you can't turn it off." Actually, some people are able to turn their emotions on and off quickly while others are more constant in how they feel. He perceives the pressure to get married as your way of saying that getting married is an important sign that he really loves you. Instead, not getting married is seen as a lack of commitment and love from your perspective. You are not alone in this problem. I have been there myself. Furthermore, the research reveals that we have to internalize the rejection. That means biting your lip and going on within your own means.

It is interesting that the idea of not getting married may be starting to lose some of its appeal. Congress is considering legislation that would give more tax breaks to married couples. The state of Louisiana is also considering new legislation to foster marriage during the 2002 session of the Legislature. He knows that you won't leave which puts him in what is called a "one-up" position of power and influence. He has something that you want. You could start to spend less time with him and see how he reacts. He may or may not care.

I am curious, you stated your reasons for ending a twenty-year marriage. Did you argue a lot? Were you chronically unhappy, depressed, lonely, bored, incompatible, or simply desiring only independence? You said you were loyal, yet you divorced your ex-husband. Yet, you said you wanted to spend more time pursuing a career only to find yourself "fooling" around and getting pregnant out of wedlock? Why? What has happened to the career and your relationship with your children from your ex-husband? There is missing information.

I ask couples as part of an exercise to do the following: What were the initial qualities that first attracted you to your mate? Do they still hold, why or why not? What qualities initially attracted you to your ex-husband and the current man? Are the qualities between each man similar or different? What qualities do you value most in a person? Good luck.

There is no excuse for physical violence whether or not one is under the influence of drugs or not. I discuss "fatal attractions" in chapter one of my book. A fatal attraction is when a person is initially attracted to a quality in someone else (e.g., I was attracted to him because is open-minded and accepting. Later, that is reframed as "doesn't give without being asked. There's no initiation on his part) that later is reframed as being undesireable. At first, he was spontaneous. Later, he is too unpredictable." A classic one is independence and strong which later is recast as "has to have his own way and is selfish."

Fatal attractions are part of the human experience. Diane Felmlee of the University of California at Davis has examined fatal attractions. She indicates that we are initially attracted to some "bad" attribute in someone else because we may be lacking in the attribute, we really abhor the attribute and decide to momentarily "rebel" against our standards, or there is unfinished business with issues in the family of origin. I often hear young men complain that young women do not really want "nice guys." There is a subliminal fantasy to being attracted to "bad boys" as the song says. The qualities that are necessary to attract a mate during courtship are not necessarily the qualities that a good husband or committed man may have.

She wanted to test the comparison alternatives to see if there was someone she felt more secure with, compatible, and was attracted to. She found to her horror, that you were better. Now, she wants to get into game-playing love where it's on again, off again. When she broke up with you, your trust in her was destroyed. Trust is easily destroyed but hard to build. It's like planting a tree. It takes time to develop and mature. Yet, a storm can easily uproot or topple the tree. What you described is partially symbolized in a song by U2 in one of their lesser known songs called Shadows and Tall Trees.

Bono sings:

Do you feel in me anything redeeming
Any worthwhile feeling?
Is love like a tightrope?
Hanging on my ceiling?

But I know, oh no, but I know, oh no, But I know

Shadows and tall trees, shadows and tall trees
Shadows and tall trees, shadows and tall trees

Your "ex" girlfriend is nonverbally asking if you will have her back and if she is worth redeeming as the song says.

Who is kidding whom. You may feel angry that you were dumped for being too nice. Now, you want some type of emotional retribution. The only thing you can do is to be her friend and try to be strong for her. She will feel a sense of mysticism about you if you do not go back too quickly. Yet, too protect your own emotions and fear of getting hurt, I recommend that you be friendly but do not become too attached. As I wrote in my song, "Run to the Sun," --Been there, done that. You don't want to get hurt again.

My advice about being a friend is going to be very difficult because you haven't met anyone else. Hence, in social-exchange theory terms, the comparison alternative for you may be cultivating some interest in hobbies, studies, work, spirituality, etcetera.

Be a tall tree, not a wavering tree that topples in the storm. Good luck.

Men tend to get remarried faster after a divorce than women. Single men die earlier than single women according to actuarial data. Single men don't take care of themselves as much as single women do. Sure, there are exceptions, but go into a single man's home or apartment and compare it to a single woman's. Whose apartment is neater? Look at the food in the refrigerator. I have repeatedly said that men are not rewarded as little boys for communicating a variety of emotions such as fear, happiness, surprise, sadness, contentment, or anger. A fearful boy is called a sissy. A happy boy used to be called "gay." A surprised boy is uncertain. A sad boy is depressed. A contented boy is lazy or unmotivated. An angry boy is to be avoided and is a beast or bully. These are stereotypes, but they reflect the finding that to be emotional is "unmanly." Women are expected to be more emotional than men. The only person that men really communicate with and show emotions to is a wife, lover, or "partner." Men are lonely. They look to be pampered because of the way they were brought up to be competitive and independent. They do not know how to communicate interpersonal needs, loneliness, and emotion very well. The research of Rosalie Burnett and Stephanie Shields attests to this.

Your comment about women being more self-reliant is true. Women outlive men. There is no comparison between the number of "single mothers" and "single fathers." Single parenting is most often done by the mother. Indeed, you do see pictures of "dead-beat mothers." Sure there are exceptions, but I am talking about typical profiles of single mothers and fathers. The father is more likely to be out of the scene.

I agree with the statement by Dr. John Gottman about the modern or contemporary man. If these men would put as much time, effort, and energy into their families as their careers, they would leave a true legacy. Many women are now "married" to their careers. Gottman (1999) writes, "The new husband is likely to make his career less of a priority than his family life because his definition of success has been revised" (p. 109). The recent popularity of organized men's movements including the Million Man March, Robert Bly mythopoetic movement, men's rights movement, and the Promise Keepers reflect some men seeking guidance in coping with the changing roles of men and women.

People who define themselves in terms of having to be in an intimate relationship with someone else have no self-identity. These are referred to as co-dependents. Many men seek the attention of attractive women, yet have no clue on how to emotionally communicate with women over a sustained period of time.

The answer is that the United States culture is slow to change compared to Sweden for example. Traditionally, families and societies in general have been male dominated. My colleagues, Laura Guerrero, Peter Andersen, and Walid Affifi (2001) review the research on this. MEN WITH VERY HIGH POWER MOTIVATION OFTEN HAVE PROBLEMS IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS AND HAVE LOWER MARITAL SATISFACTION AND INTIMACY. Guerrero and her associates (2001) note that women in these relationships feel trapped, resentful, or hostile.

Today, most college students pay lip-service to the idea that marriages should be equal. Guerrero and her colleagues review studies that characterize traditional patriarchic societies as men having more social status and money. Yet, in truly egalitarian societies power is not dependent on who controls resources or who has more social standing. I have lived in Texas, Indiana, Illinois, and California. Louisiana is the most patriarchal state I have lived in. The research suggests that the United States is in a transition between patriarchy and egalitarianism. Like people in patriarchic societies, Americans have associated power with resources such as money, possessions, and high-status careers. However, unlike people in patriarchic societies, people in the United States believe that either the man or woman could control these resources. Rodman (1972) reports that in order to be a truly egalitarian society like Sweden or Denmark, Americans need to separate power from resources. Indeed, there are different types of power including intellectual and spiritual power.

Guerrero and her associates point out how several factors suggest that America is in a transitional period. In the year 2000, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Greed were popular TV programs which highlights the importance that society still puts on resources such as money. A critical study by Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) who surveyed over 10,000 couples revealed that marital satisfaction was related to equal control over money, and not how much money individuals or couples earned. Couples are more satisfied when the partners have an egalitarian rather than a traditional relationship. Egalitarian relationships are more intimate, share roles (e.g., chores) and committed than traditional relationships. As Guerrero and her associates point out, most egalitarian marriages deep and true friendships, as well as romances. Yet, equality in marriage does not simply occur. It takes commitment on the part of both partners.

Your question and the research I've cited reminds me of the classic song, Can't Buy Me Love that I have cited before in this column by the Beatles:

Lennon and McCartney sing:

Can't buy me love, can't buy me love
I'll buy you a diamond ring my friend if it makes you feel allright
I'll get you anything my friend if it makes you feel allright
Cause I don't care much too much for money, for money can't buy me love.

I'll give you all I've got to give you if you say you love me too
I may not have a lot to give, but what I've got, I'll give to you
For I don't care too much for money for money can't buy me love.
Everybody tells me so, can't buy me love.

Say you don't need no diamond ring and I'll be satisfied
Tell me that you want those kind of things that money just can't buy
For I don't care too much for money for money can't buy me love.
Everybody tells me so, can't buy me love.

The old patriarchal power that is used to attract a woman is unrelated to maintaining a long-lasting bond.

I believe in proximity theory. We are more attracted to people that we regularly see as opposed to those we rarely see. We also tend to be available on a first-come, first-serve basis with people who merely cross our paths in moments when our interpersonal need for attention and affection is high. Far proximity or distance tends to harm relationships. However, I've indicated in prior answers to questions on long-distance relationships, they can work with e-mail, phoning, doing surprise things for each other such as sending flowers, and music cards. However, I wonder if she does love you. She may have oats to sew. She wasn't there when you needed her. It's not clear if you are referring to her being away with the new job in another place and not living in the same town or if she was not there for you when you were both in the same town. If the latter is the case, she is concerned with her own needs; not your needs.

In social-exchange theory terms, she wants to assess the comparison alternatives in the new city (other guys). Also, she may not be there for you hoping you will think more negatively of her so when she goes off to the new city so you won't be as hurt.

Dr. Jim will be in Minneapolis next week. By request, the following is advice that people have enjoyed. Following are three principles for having a happy relationship and/or marrriage along with some questions for you and your partner to discuss reflecting each principle.

Many couples have only the sketchiest sense of the other's likes, dislikes, fears, stresses. The husband may love classic rock but his wife couldn't tell you why or who his favorite artist is. He doesn't remember the name of her friends or the co-worker she fears is constantly trying to undermine her. In contrast, emotionally intelligent couples remember the major events in each other's history & keep updating the information as the feelings of their spouse's world change.

1. Can you name two of your partner's closest friends?
2. What is your partner's fondest unrealized dream?
3. What kinds of books does your partner most like to read?
4. What turns your partner on sexually?
5. What was one of your partner's best childhood experiences?

Nurture your fondness & admiration for each other. You must retain a fundamental sense that the other was worthy of being respected and liked. Recount fond memories of what first attracted you to each other. 94% of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage's history are likely to have a happy future as well.

From the list below, circle three items that you think are characteristic of your partner. If you're having difficulty coming up with three, feel free to define the word characteristic very loosely. Even if you can recall only one instance when your partner displayed this characteristic, you can circle it.

Principle #3--Turn toward each other instead of away

Turn toward each other instead of away. A husband looks out a window and says, "Look at that boat." The wife peers over her magazine and says, "Yeah, it looks like that big schooner we saw last summer, remember?" and the husband grunts. The husband and wife are connecting in this brief exchange. For couples who go on to divorce or live together unhappily, small moments of connection are rare. More often the wife doesn't even look up from her magazine and, if she does, her husband doesn't acknowledge what she says.

There is no answer key for these questions, they are merely a point of departure for discussion with your partner. There isn't one reality when a couple misses each other in little ways. There are two equally legitimate perspectives. Once you understand and acknowledge this, you'll find that reconnecting comes naturally.

During this week, I felt:

For those of you in a meaningful quality relationship, be thankful and nurture each other. I hope these principles provide an initial point of discussion. Next week, I will discuss additional principles.

Recall from last week's column that I presented three of the 7 principles of good marriage. These principles come from the work of John Gottman of the University of Washington. He has a new book called, "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" filled with fun exercises. This week, I discuss principles 4 and 5. Next, principles 6 and 7 will be discussed.

Recall that the first 3 principles were: (1) Knowing each other's feelings, (2) Nurture your fondness & admiration for each other, (3) Turn toward each other instead of away

Principle #4: Let your partner influence you

When a man isn't willing to share power with his wife, there's an 81% that the marriage ends in divorce. In the most stable marriages, the husband treats his wife with respect and does not resist power sharing and decision making with her. When the couple disagrees, these husbands actively search for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way. More than 80% of the time, it's the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband withdraws. This is true in happy marriages as well. Read each statement and circle T for "true" and F for "false"

1. I'm really interested in my partner's opinion on our basic issues. T F
2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F
3. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F
4. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F
5. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this marriage. T F
6. My partner usually has good ideas. T F
7. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F

When arguing, soften your startup, learn to make & receive repair attempts, soothe yourself (music is good) & each other, compromise, & be tolerant of each other's faults by having good manners. Complain, don't criticize and don't use nonverbal contemptuousness. Make statements that start with "I" instead of "You."

To get a sense of whether harsh startup is a problem in your marriage, answer the following questions. Read each statement and circle "T" for true and "F" for false.

1. My partner is often very critical of me. T F
2. I hate the way my partner raises an issue. T F
3. My partner criticizes my personality. T F
4. I think my partner can be totally irrational. T F
5. Issues get raised in an insulting manner. T F
6. I seem to always get blamed for issues. T F
7. My partner will at times complain in a smug or superior way. T F

Have fun and remember if you are in a quality relationship, be thankful and cherish each other. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Often, there are weeds and hard clay. Recall the classic song by the Beatles, "Love Me Do." The lyrics say a lot about loving each other:

Love, love me do
You know I love you, I'll always be true
So please love me do.

For the past few weeks, I have provided the principles to a happy marriage from Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington. The sixth principle is concerned with inner dreams and overcoming gridlock.

Principle 6: Overcome gridlock

Move from gridlock to dialogue. Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other. By dreams, I refer to the hopes, aspirations, & wishes that give purpose & meaning to your life.

What our deepest dreams are made off -- Sense of freedom, experience of peace, unity with nature, spiritual journey, justice, honor, unity with the past, having a sense of power, dealing with age, asking for forgiveness, sense of order, being able to truly relax, atonement, getting priorities in order, being able to compete & win, quietness. Following are some fun exercises.

1. Select from the following list three things you really appreciate about your spouse. (Of course you can add terms not on the list.) Then tell your spouse what these three things are. This can be as simple as a statement like "I really like the way you are sensitive to my moods."

• Energy
  1. Strength
  2. The way you are commanding
  3. The way you let me direct things
• Your warmth
  1. The way you touch me
  2. How safe I feel with you
  3. Your eyes
• Your passion
  1. Your humor
  2. Your loyalty to me
  3. What you are like as a friend
• Your tenderness
  1. Your enthusiasm
  2. The way you let me be myself

Dr. Jim has been writing on the 7 principles to good marriage for the few weeks.. These principles come from the work of Dr. John Gottman at the University of Washington. Gottman has a book called, "The 7 Principles of a Good Marriage" that contains fun quizzes, questions, and exercises in the form of self-tests for you to answer. The response has been overwhelming.

The final principle is creating shared meaning. Marriage isn't just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It also involves having a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together--a culture rich with symbols & rituals & an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be a part of the family you have become. Unfortunately, for some people their spirituality is called materialism rather than introspection, intuition, and creating shared meaning with others.

Principle #7 Create shared meaning

To explore with your spouse the meaning of goals in your individual lives and your marriage, ask yourselves the following questions:

1. Write a "mission statement" of what your mission in life is. Write your own obituary. What would you like it to say?
2. What is the role of spirituality in your lives? What was this role in your families growing up? How should this be in your family?
3. What are the truly important things in your life that are great sources of energy & pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?
4. How do you feel about your role as a husband or wife? What does this role mean to you in your life? How did your father or mother view this role? How are you similar and different? How would you like to change this role?
5. What symbols (such as photos or objects) show who we are in the world?
6. What in your life is symbolic of your philosophy of how to lead a meaningful, good life? For example, giving to charity, wearing a crucifix, or lighting a candle for dead ancestors may be symbolic of your sense of meaning. Do you feel that you are failing to do this to the degree you'd like?

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   June 14, 2002

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   Question from: Elisa
   Dr. Jim, I enjoy your column so much. You are very helpful and give advice based on research and not personal opinion. Everybody has opinions, but how much of it is informed liked your advice is. Anyway, I have a question about why my boyfriend appears to be insensitive to my emotional needs. He is oblivious to my needs and things always have to be his way. I am thinking about moving on. Is there hope or should I move on? Please, Dr. Jim, what do you think?

   There's an old maxim. "She has him well trained." You don't have him trained. When you talk about moving on, you are referring to what social-exchange theory refers to as "comparison alternatives." The fact of the matter is that people are more likely to terminate existing relationships when there are viable comparison alternatives. These alternatives may be other people, hobbies, interests, jobs, values, and so on. Apparently, you want a sensitive, intuitive man-someone who is decisive yet sensitive. This is called Superman-albeit Clark Kent and Superman all rolled into one. Yet, Superman is fictional. I assume that the interpersonal communication is at a standstill. There is an axiom that I teach in my classes and that is, THE COMMUNICATION IS THE RELATIONSHIP. You can not have a close romantic relationship unless there is the frequency and quality of the communication. Relationships tend to disintegrate when there is sporadic communication compared to regular or constant communication. Guys need to learn that when she talks about her day, it is not utter dribble; she often wants to be validated and simply desires that he LISTEN to her. The modern, contemporary man needs to learn this or else be an outdated, old-fashioned, patriarchal man that nobody respects. RESPECT is what people are searching for in their close relationships. People who break up tend to lose a lot of respect for each other. You would respect this guy more if he validated you. I share your grief.

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   June 28, 2002

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   Question from: Cicily
   Why does music help when people argue? You cite lots of song lyrics.

   Music affects the brain's neurotransmitters. The temporal sequencing of sounds is translated by the auditory senses into stimuli in the brain. It is the tempo, loudness, and intensity of the music that is important. Words are less important. Tonal music or music that follows a harmony is processed more serenely than atonal music. Examples of atonal music are music without harmony (e.g., yelling, mouthing words, playing random notes on a keyboard, simple noise). The same principle works with sound machines that some people use to comfort themselves as they go to bed. Listening to a waterfall or rainfall is soothing to some people. It depends on the brain's hardwiring.

   A good song to play is Pachelbel's Canon. Actually, this is played at some wedding processions. The sequence of the notes yields feelings of contentment and tranquility. Even for some people in melancholy moods, the sequence of the notes is helpful. According to the ISO principle of music therapy, in order to change a person's mood from being sad or melancholy to happy, it is necessary to play a song that matches the mood first. I once did an experiment in which a couple was arguing about an issue in their relationship. In the background, there was a song about love from the Beatles called, And I love her.

   The lyrics go:

   I give her all my love, That's all I do
   And if you saw my love, You'd love her too
   I love her, She gives me everything and tenderly
   The kiss my lover brings, she brings to me
   And I love her, A love like ours
   Could never die as long as I have you near me.

   Bright are the stars that shine
   Dark is the sky
   I know this love of mine will never die
   And I love her

   This woman heard the song and became more angry because the song reminded her of the love that she was NOT receiving. On the contrary, she was happy when the following song by the Beatles was played. It is called, I'll Cry Instead. The words in this song matched her mood and her emotions. The beat and intensity of the song was appropriate too. The lyrics are:

   I've got every reason on earth to be mad
   Cause I've just lost the only girl I had
   If I could get my way, I'd get myself locked up today but I can't
   So I'll cry instead

   I've got a chip on my shoulder that's bigger than my feet
   I can't talk to people that I meet, If I could see you now
   I'd try to make you sad somehow but I can't
   So I'll cry instead
   Don't want to cry when there's people there
   I get shy when they start to stare

   I'm gonnna hideself away,ay-hey, but I'll come back again someday
   And when I do, you'd better hide all the girls
   I'm gonna break their hearts all around the world
   Yes I'm gonna break them in two and show you what you're lovin man can do
   Until then, I'll cry instead.

   This song made the woman happy because it matched her mood. She felt like crying and this song reinforced her despondency. Yet, the song has enough energy and rhythm to gradually improve one's feelings because there is a release of tension and stress through fast tempo. The fast-paced rhythm makes one feel better.

   It would have been better to first play this song followed by Ticket to Ride which is about a woman leaving a guy and then We Can Work It Out followed by From Me to You or Eight Days a Week. These last two songs talk about how much a person loves someone else.

   I really believe in music therapy. I play music at the beginning of my classes. I also play the drums and have taught drum lessons.

   Music is universal communication. It is magic. It affects the following senses: sight, sound, touch (e.g., People get skin sensations when listening to some songs). Obvioulsy, music can be used destructively but that is for another column.

   Go and listen to these songs and enjoy them!!!!!! As the Doobie Brothers sang in their classic song, Listen to the Music.

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   July 12, 2002

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   Question from: Henry
   Recently, my girlfriend moved out and moved in with her sister. She said she was confused and didn't know what she wants. She says that I'm everything she ever wanted and that she still loves me, but that she doesn't know what she wants. We see each other once a week and talk once awhile on the phone. She says she likes her independence, something she hasn't had in a while. I ask why she won't spend time with me and she says that I smother her. I tell her that since I don't see her more than an hour a week, that when I do, I am trying to cram all my feelings into that time and that's why she feels smothered.

   I am totally in love with her and hope that she realizes what she has and comes back. Am I crazy for thinking that this will resolve itself and how long should I wait? As a rational person, I know what I feel and I find it hard to grasp the fact that she doesn't know what she feels. Is this normal?

   First, men's speech is instrumental or problem-solving while women's speech is relational. Females often use collaborative, cooperative talk to create and maintain relationships. Men give information, want information, discover facts, and suggest solutions. When a man focuses on the content level of meaning after a woman discusses her feelings, she may feel he is disregarding her concerns. He may feel he is trying to support her by suggesting ways to solve the problem.

   The only thing you can do right now is to give her space. Don't call, painful as this may be. If she does come back, this reflects ludus love that is characterized by highs and lows and mood swings. You can only be a "sincere listener" as a friend on the phone. Friendship love is one of the 6 different types of love. I discuss this in chapter 4 of my book.

   You are pained. Unfortunately, you are going to have to make some serious decisions. You could be a friend. DO NOT call her asking to go out in the next month or so. Listen to her but forget about the "cramming." Do not smother her. She may come back. Yet, she seems to have mood swings. The fact that she doesn't know what she wants is ominous. You are seeking a secure attachment. Yet, the future looks like it could be filled with alternating moments of ambivalence and desire for connection. Successful couples are able to negotiate the periods of contradictory needs such as when one person wants to be close, while the other wants his/her space.

   Recall the classic U2 song, "With or Without You."

   See the stone set in your eyes
   See the thorn twist in your side
   I wait for you

   Sleight of hand and twist of fate
   On a bed of nails she makes me wait
   And I wait…Without you

   Chorus

   With or without you
   With or without you
   Aha, I can't live
   With or without you

   And you give yourself away
   And you give yourself away
   And you give, and you give
   And you give yourself away

   My hands are tied
   My body bruised, she got me with
   Nothing left to win
   And nothing left to lose
   And you give yourself away
   And you give, and you give
   And you give yourself away

   You are feeling this. Yet, you have to wait. YOU CAN ONLY BE HER FRIEND for now. This is painful. Be prepared to move on after a few months. Do not play emotional or mind games. Indeed, John Lennon sang about that a long time ago in his classic song, "Mind Games."

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   July 26, 2002

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   This column is on behavioral indicators of relational commitment. Commitment is constructed through the ongoing communication between partners. Commitment is communicated through supportiveness, trust, fidelity, devotion, doing routine activities, verbal and traditional expressions of commitment, and verbal and nonverbal expressions of affection. Sometimes commitment is communicated indirectly in terms of the routine, everyday talk of couples.

   Recent research by Weigel and Balllard-Reisch (2002) examined the behaviors of commitment. There were 10 categories reported by men and women as indicating long-term commitment.

   1. Providing affection-Stating love, giving gifts, showing affection, showing feelings, missing partner
   2. Providing support-Building partner up, Providing assistance, placing partner's needs above own, emotional support, requesting assistance
   3. Maintaining integrity-Being faithful, fulfilling roles, being honest, keeping promises
   4. Sharing companionship-Doing things together, Having fun together, Include partner
   5. Making effort to communicate-Listening, Discussing feelings and opinions
   6. Showing respect-Trusting partner, Respecting partner, Accepting differences, Allowing individual time
   7. Creating relational future-Celebrating relational mileposts, Including in plans, Planning future
   8. Creating positive relationship atmosphere-Being courteous, Staying positive, Speaking well of partner, Defending partner
   9. Working together on relationship problems
   10. Directly expressing commitment

   These indicators were tested on groups of individuals who were married, engaged, seriously dating, casually dating and not currently involved in a relationship. Married, engaged, and seriously dating persons reported using more of these strategies than casually dating persons. Women reported using more of the strategies than men. Women tend to view their relationships from a connective point of view while men are less aware of their relationships and what is going on. Furthermore, fidelity is crucial. Maintaining integrity was strongly associated with commitment.

   Examine the list of 10 and see which of these behaviors you routinely do and those which you do not do. If you do not do the behaviors, ask yourself why and if you are motivated to do some of the behaviors. Commitment is associated with stability in one's life. Don't we desire stable lives?

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   August 2, 2002

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   Question from: Chris
   Why is it that after a conflict or argument, the level of passion or amorous behavior tends to increase? I've noticed that after my girlfriend and I argue (a discussion), we tend to get extremely physical. There is, of course, regular intimacy at other times, but after a discussion, we tend to be very attracted to each other. Any thoughts on why this is?

   Arguing often increases adrenaline. One form of adrenaline is the hormone, testosterone. Both sexes have this hormone, though its level is higher in males. You may be physiologically aroused as testosterone is pumped into the system. You also are caught in what communication scholars refer to as an unwanted repetitive loop in which arguing is responded to with forgiveness which results in sex. You want to show forgiveness. One way to ultimately show forgiveness is to have sexual relations. This reminds me of the famous song by a group called Nazareth. They sing:

   Love hurts, love scars, love wounds
   And mars, any heart
   Not tough or strong enough
   To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
   Love is like a cloud
   Holds a lot of rain
   Love hurts….ooh, ooh love hurts.

   I'm young, I know, but even so
   I know a thing or two and I learned from you
   I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
   Love is like a flame, it burns you when it's hot
   Love hurts….ooh, ooh love hurts

   Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
   Some fools fool themselves I guess, they're not foolin' me

   I know it isn't true, I know it isn't true
   Love is just like a lie made to make you blue
   Love hurts….ooh, ooh love hurts

   Fortunately, love does not have to hurt. Friendship love, romantic love, spiritual love, and pragmatic love are four types of healthy love. Game-playing and jealous love are horrible. Effective communication is associated with a happy relationship and good sex.

   Since you mentioned having a conflict or arguing, the following scale assess beliefs about arguing. The higher your score, the more you like to argue. Arguing is good while verbal aggression, sarcasm, ridicule, put-downs, teasing, personally attacking the others faults, and profanity are bad. Verbal aggression leads to physical violence. Arguing is used here in the sense that individuals are creating persuasive arguments to back up their views or opinions on matters.

   Indicate how often each statement is true for you personally by placing the appropriate number after the statement using the following legend: 1= always never true, 2= rarely true, 3=occasionally true, 4=often true, 5=always true

   1. I am energetic and enthused when I argue.
   2. I enjoy a good argument over a controversial issue.
   3. I consider an argument an exciting intellectual challenge.
   4. I have a pleasant, good feeling when I win a point in an argument.
   5. Arguing over controversial issues improves my intelligence.
   6. I enjoy defending my point of view during an argument.
   7. I have the ability to do well in an argument.
   8. I feel excitement when I expect that a conversation I am in is leading to an argument.
   9. I do not like to miss the opportunity to argue a controversial issue.
   10. I feel refreshed and satisfied after an argument on a controversial issue.

   People who score high on this measure consider arguing an intellectual challenge and tend to avoid verbally abusing another person. Some persons like to argue, others don't. According to psychologist, John Gottman (1994), you have a bad relationship when one person likes to argue and the other doesn't. It is better when both partners either like to argue (e.g., sparring partners or conflict-engagers ) or both do not like to argue (conflict-avoiders).

   Score yourself and see how you do on arguing. Persuasive arguing is good, verbal aggression and putdowns are bad. I hope you and your partner are helped by this advice and the test.

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   August 9, 2002

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   Question from: Jessica
   I am getting married in September. I have been estranged from my father. He was not around a lot when we I was growing up. He is walking me down the aisle, though, and will be a part of the big day. The father-daughter dance is something I would like to do, but I don't want to be insincere and have a song suggesting that we are close when we are not right now. I see that you have a knack for using music for appropriate situations. Can you suggest something that says we haven't been so close in the past, but there is the future to look forward to? Thanks for any help!

   Jessica, I congratulate you on your upcoming marriage. Don't forget to look in the archives under the heading of 7 principles for a good marriage. I am glad you enjoy the song lyrics. One of my hobbies is music. I also believe in music therapy in which emotions and moods can be partially controlled through brain neurotransmissions by listening to various sounds, music, and melodies. I play the drums (classic rock n' roll) and currently trying to recruit people to jam. I am looking for guitarists, bass guitar player, and singer. I used to have a band that played our own originals. We played at LSU and Chelsea's. I enjoy jamming and playing music for the sheer enjoyment of simply playing. If you have some reliable and mature friends who simply enjoying playing, please contact them and they can write to me here.

   I have chosen a slow-dance song that is a classic. If you don't like this one, e-mail me and I will select another one. This song is by the Beatles.

   The Long and Winding Road by Lennon and McCarthy.

   The long and winding road that leads to your door will never disappear
   I've seen that road before.
   It always leads me here.
   Lead me to your door.

   The wild and windy night that the rain washed away has left a pool of tears
   Crying for the day.
   Why leave me standing here?
   Let me know the way?

   Many times, I've been alone and many times I've cried
   Anyway, you'll never know the many ways I've tried
   And still they lead me back to the long and winding road.

   You left me standing here a long, long time ago
   Don't leave me waiting here
   Lead me to your door.

   Many times, I've been alone and many times I've cried
   Anyway, you'll never know the many ways I've tried
   And still they lead me back to the long and winding road.

   You left me standing here a long, long time ago
   Don't leave me waiting here
   Lead me to your door.

   You wrote how you weren't close in the past but wanted to speak of the future. The lyics about being left behind, being left alone, and crying speak to this situation. The door represents the future because the door could be open to further communication. May your wedding day go smoothly and the music and dances be nice! I hope this helps.

   August 30, 2002

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   In this week's column, I present a series of questions that I sometimes ask couples in which they describe their marriages. Couples enjoy being asked these questions. If you are married, what are your answers to the following questions? Following is a clinical interview that I conduct with couples who are married. This interview is described by psychologist John Gottman (1994) in his book on divorce. I have found that husbands' marital happiness is related to how responsive the wife is, husband's use of we-ness which is described below, his fondness for his wife, and the wives' use of we-ness. The wives' marital happiness is related to her use of we-ness, his use of we-ness and her fondness for him. In short, you have a lousy relationship when persons use the first person "I" and the third person "You." For example, a happy spouse will say, "We like to listen to Beatles' music." An unhappy spouse will say, "I like to watch TV, while you like to work out."

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   Oral History Interviewing Form for Married Couples

   This is a semi-structured interview, which means that you will go with the natural course of conversation and try to get the subjects to be expansive and involved as possible. The subjects may answer Question 10 as they are answering Question 2, and that is OK in a semi-structured interview. The important thing is to get answers to all the questions, but the order is not important.

   A bad interviewer, like many people naturally are, merely gets answers to the questions, but a good interviewer makes sure to get into the subjective world of the people being interviewed. For example, suppose that a couple describes a period in their relationship when he went to college but she stayed in high school one more year to finish. She says that she visited him a few times during this year. A good interviewer wonders about the inner experience of this period. Was the situation one in which he was embarrassed by her visits, viewing her as a kid or a yokel, and she felt the rejection? If so, how did they cope with these feelings? Or, was this a situation in which he felt great showing her the world of college and she was proud and excited? We want to know about these inner experiences.

   We-ness. You will find some couples who emphasize we-ness in these interviews, while some couples do not. Sometimes one person will be talking about the "we" while the other emphasizing separateness and difference.

   Glorifying the struggle. Some couples will express the philosophy that marriage is hard, that it is a struggle, but that it is worth it.

   Gender differences. See if you can identify differences between spouses that relate to gender differences in emotional expression, responsiveness, and role.

   Conflict-Avoiding versus Conflict-Engaging Couples. Some couples minimize the emotional side of their marital interaction, either positive or negative affect. They tend to avoid disagreements. They tend to speak about the events of the day in terms of errands rather than feelings. Self-disclosure is minimized. Their roles tend to be fairly stereotyped and prescribed by cultural norms.

   Part I: History of the Relationship

   Question 1. Why don't we start from the very beginning….Tell me how the two of you met and got together?

       Do you remember the time you met for the first time? Tell me about it. Was there anything about (spouse's name) that made him/her stand out? What were your first impressions of each other?

   Question 2. When you think back to the time you were dating, before you got married, what do you remember? What stands out?

       How long did you know each other before you got married? What do you remember of this period? What were some of the highlights? Some of the tensions? What types of things did you do together?

   Question 3. Tell me about how you decided to get married.

       Of all the people in the world, what led you to decide that this was the person you wanted to marry? Was it an easy decision? Was it a difficult decision? (Were they ever in love)?

   Question 4. Do you remember your wedding? Tell me about your wedding. Did you have a honeymoon? What do you remember about it?

   Question 5. When you think back to the first year you were married, what do you remember? Were there any adjustments to being married?

       What about the transition to being parents? Tell me about this period of your marriage. What was it like for the two of you?

   Question 6. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really good times in your marriage? What were the really happy times? (What is a good time like for this couple)?

   Question 7. Many of the couples we've talked to say that their relationships go through periods of ups and downs. Would you say that this is true of your marriage?

   Question 8. Looking back over the years, what moments stand out as the really hard times in your marriage? Why do you think you stayed together? How did you get through these difficult times?

   Question 9. How would you say your marriage is different from when you first got married?

   Part II: The Philosophy of Marriage

   Question 10. We're interested in your ideas about what makes a marriage work. Why do you think some marriages work while others don't? Think of a couple you know that has a particularly good marriage and one that you know who has a particularly bad marriage. (Let them decide together which two couples these are). What is different about these two marriages? How would you compare your own marriage to each of these couples?

   Question 11. Tell me about your parents' marriages. (Ask of each spouse). What was (is) their marriage like? Would you say it's very similar or different from your own marriage?

       1a). What amount of "we-ness" in the interview did the husband have?

           A very small amount __:__:__:__:__:__:__ A very large amount

       1b). What amount of "we-ness" in the interview did the wife have?

           A very small amount __:__:__:__:__:__:__ A very large amount

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   September 13, 2002

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   Note to Readers: One of my hobbies is music. I also believe in music therapy in which emotions and moods can be partially controlled through brain neurotransmissions by listening to various sounds, music, and melodies. I play the drums (classic rock n' roll) and currently trying to recruit people to jam and play music for enjoyment. I am looking for guitarists, bass guitar player, and singer. I enjoy jamming and playing music for the sheer enjoyment of simply playing. If any of you have some reliable and mature friends who enjoying playing music, please contact them and they can write to me here.

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   Question from: Sam
   I have dated this woman for over a year. She became irritated with me for sharing a problem we were having with a support group. She did not talk to me for over 2 weeks. She didn't answer e-mail nor answer phone calls. Historically, this is the way her family dealt with the problem; ignore it and it will go away. I feel like she is abandoning me. We're back together now. Do you have any recommendations on better handling relationship problems through communication?

   You violated her confidence when you discussed the problem with the support group. Betraying confidences increases uncertainty in a relationship and should NOT be done. I discuss attachment theory in my book and my communication and relationship course at LSU. There are 4 attachment styles: secure, preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. You have a preoccupied attachment style in that you are fearful of abandonment. You may have been abandoned before. You fear that your partner will abandon you since it's happened before. According to attachment theory, you are preoccupied with the continuation of your relationship and may even have tads of jealousy at times.

   Another potential problem here is that your partner appears to be a conflict-avoider in that she doesn't like to discuss issues. You may be a conflict-engager to the extent that you like to place issues out on the table for candid discussion. The research by John Gottman reveals that individuals who like to avoid conflict who are paired with those who like to discuss issues have problems and tend to end. Both partners feel insecure, tense, and unhappy in this type of situation. The conflict-avoider sees the conflict-engager as being intrusive and sticking his/her nose in areas that trivial. A mountain is made out of a molehill. Conversely, the conflict-engager believes the avoider is not interested in them and feels emotionally detached from the relationship.

   I would discuss the problems with the matching of conflict-engagers and and conflict-avoiders with your partner. Also, indicate to her how "silence" has high communicative value. Indeed, there is a basic old axiom in interpersonal communication which says that ONE CANNOT NOT COMMUNICATE! Silence signals disinterest and is nonverbally saying, "I am not interested and that I am concerned with my own needs." You interpret the silence as meaning he does not care. The impact of his nonverbal silence may be different from the intent of his silence. Hence, miscommunication and feelings of insecurity are the result.

   Question from: Erica
   Could you explain or give some examples of what it means to be or not be "affirmed" in a marriage or relationship?

   One of most basic interpersonal communication needs is INCLUSION. This is the desire to be recognized for your own self-worth. Our self-esteem is affected by how others treat us, communicate with us, praise, ignore, or damn us. Affirmation is what John Gottman refers to in marriage as validation. He has an excellent book called The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work that is based on his 30 years of research of observing couples argue.

   The most common technique recommended for resolving conflict is called active listening in which "I" statements that focus on what a person is feeling rather than hurling criticisms and accusations at another are used. For example, "I feel lonely when I'm home alone with Pepe' night after night while you're working late" is recommended rather than saying something like, "You don't care. You're selfish. You use me to watch the dog." This immediately makes the accused, defensive.

   The use of "I" statements is recommended which heightens the probability of a nondefensive remark being made. Ideally, individuals are taught to respond with paraphrases of the content and feeling of the complainer's position. The listener is asked to validate his partners feelings to let the other know that he considers them legitimate, that he respects and empathizes with her even if he doesn't share her perspective. He might say, "It must be hard taking care of Pepe' by yourself when I'm not here." The listener is asked to respond nondefensively, suspend judgement, and not argue for his point of view.

   The problem with this advice is that research has shown, IT DOES NOT WORK. It is good to try, but don't expect your partner to be Superman or Superwoman.

   Actually, what may work a little better is simply to say thinks like, "I understand you are angry." This doesn't mean giving up your own position.

   AFFIRMING someone in a relationship means you are attempting to UNDERSTAND them. We live in such an autistic world, self-absorbed world where people often think that the world revolves them. Indeed, Bruce Springsteen sings, "Poor man wanna be rich, Rich man wanna be king, And a king ain't satisfied Till he rules everything."

   Affirmation is at the heart of security in interpersonal relationships. We all seek affirmation everyday. To be affirmed is a part of being loved.

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   October 16, 2002

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   Because of the popularity of the advice on commitment I reprinted it this week.

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   Commitment is constructed through the ongoing communication between partners. Commitment is communicated through supportiveness, trust, fidelity, devotion, doing routine activities, verbal and traditional expressions of commitment, and verbal and nonverbal expressions of affection. Sometimes commitment is communicated indirectly in terms of the routine, everyday talk of couples.

   Recent research by Weigel and Balllard-Reisch (2002) examined the behaviors of commitment. There were 10 categories reported by men and women as indicating long-term commitment.

   1. Providing affection-Stating love, giving gifts, showing affection, showing feelings, missing partner
   2. Providing support-Building partner up, Providing assistance, placing partner's needs above own, emotional support, requesting assistance
   3. Maintaining integrity-Being faithful, fulfilling roles, being honest, keeping promises
   4. Sharing companionship-Doing things together, Having fun together, Include partner
   5. Making effort to communicate-Listening, Discussing feelings and opinions
   6. Showing respect-Trusting partner, Respecting partner, Accepting differences, Allowing individual time
   7. Creating relational future-Celebrating relational mileposts, Including in plans, Planning future
   8. Creating positive relationship atmosphere-Being courteous, Staying positive, Speaking well of partner, Defending partner
   9. Working together on relationship problems
   10. Directly expressing commitment

   These indicators were tested on groups of individuals who were married, engaged, seriously dating, casually dating and not currently involved in a relationship. Married, engaged, and seriously dating persons reported using more of these strategies than casually dating persons. Women reported using more of the strategies than men. Women tend to view their relationships from a connective point of view while men are less aware of their relationships and what is going on. Furthermore, fidelity is crucial. Maintaining integrity was strongly associated with commitment.

   Examine the list of 10 and see which of these behaviors you routinely do and those which you do not do. If you do not do the behaviors, ask yourself why and if you are motivated to do some of the behaviors. Commitment is associated with stability in one's life. Don't we desire stable lives?

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   October 23, 2002

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   Question from: Alexia
   My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and I am beginning to get a little bit nervous. I really love him, and have no complaints whatsoever. My problem is this: I want to do something thoughtful for him for our one year anniversary, because it means a lot to both of us. I am having troubles thinking of something. I want it to be heartfelt, but I just can't think of anything. If you can help, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

   It sounds like your boyfriend is sensitive which is good because you indicated that the one-year anniversary means a lot to both of you. The successful contemporary man is sensitive to his loved ones and communicates rather than being quiet about things. He is not quick to try to "problem solve" everything. He is not impatient. Recently, I went on a trip to Dallas and my significant other did something that was inexpensive, yet spiritually meaningful. In my suitcase, she left little notes in various pant pockets that said, "I love you," "I miss you," "Hurry back." She had a letter mailed to the place I was going to be at that was waiting when I arrived there. She suggested that you collect various mementos' that bring back the last year's memories.

   You might even attempt to compile a package of things that would tell him, "Here's what I've learned about you during our year together". I would include for example, his favorite candy; a bottle of his favorite wine or drink; a CD of the song that is significant to both of you; his favorite cologne; an issue of his favorite magazine; a book by his favorite author. In essence, this package would tell him, "I've paid attention to you. I've cared enough to learn what you like and what you're interested in".

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   November 13, 2002

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   Question from: Kristen
   After dating for a little over a year my boyfriend and I broke up. He kept in contact, mostly by telephone calls. Then, after two and a half months he told me that he loves me, had missed me and was at a point in his life where he wanted to work towards marriage with me. Then, after being back together for two weeks he withdrew from me. I did not accept that and explained that I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me, and that until he could treat me the way I deserve we won't date. He called a few days later and he explained that he was confused. He told me that one week he feels responsible enough to settle down and wants to settle down and the next week he feels like an irresponsible teenager again. He told me that he loves me very much, and that I shouldn't doubt how much he loves me and that when he is ready to settle down that it is me that he wants to be with, and he doesn't want to date anyone else. So we spent the next two weeks working through our issues by having long and frequent conversations on the phone. He would call every night and before hanging up he would always say, "I love you" and I would say it too. After two weeks of just talking he asked me out on a date. We went to dinner and everything was very nice. When he dropped me off at home he asked if I wanted to come spend the night. I said NO. So he said ok and went to leave. Didn't walk me to the door just got out of the car, gave me a kiss on the head and said goodbye. I was standing there like a deer in headlights. He knew something was bothering me but when he asked I couldn't put it into words how trashy he had just made me feel. He got upset that I wouldn't talk so he left very upset. I felt trashy because he asked me to lay down next to him, a man that says he's confused about being with me. I called him after he made it home to ask him if he had any idea how I felt. He said that I probably was probably confused, hurt and angry. He explained that he didn't want to have sex, just go to sleep because he missed me and wanted me next to him. Normally, I would say that yeah right it wasn't about sex, but I've recently undergone a procedure where I couldn't have sex during that time and he was aware of this. I called him the next day but he didn't want to talk. That was eleven days ago and he still hasn't called. I sent him a text message over me phone that said, "Still Alive? Kristin." Here's my questions - What does this type of confusion tell you? Is this a time to say goodbye forever or to be patient and work through things? Thanks

   He is playing a game of withdrawal. He sees you as nagging and so he withdraws. You are angry because he is withdrawing. Men withdraw because of a lack of sensitivity and communication skills. I discuss this in my classes at LSU. You asked if he was confused. The answer is "Yes." This makes me think of a song by an old classic rock n' roller named Jimi Hendrix. He had a song called, "Love or Confusion." Hendrix sang the following:

   Is that the stars in the shy or is it raining fallin down?
   Will I be truthful in choosing you as the one for me?
   Is this love baby or is it a, just confusion?
   Oh, my mind is so mixed up goin' round 'n' round
   Must there be all these colors without names, without sounds? Babe
   My heart burns with feelin' but oh my mind is cold and reeling
   Is this love, baby or is it confusion?
   

   Ah you tell me baby
   Is this love or confusion
   We must get together and find out
   CONFUSION.

   Indeed, the fellow is confused. He is hot-cold, on-off. He demonstrates game-playing love instead of passionate, friendship, agape, and romantic love. You want someone who loves you, not someone who is in love. I would suggest being his friend. Yet, the phone calling will continue. This may be a codependent relationship where he is searching for CONTROL. He decides when to be intimate and then clicks it off like turning a water faucet off. He is moody. He may need some mood stabilizing medicine. Has he seen a doctor? Are there other people you can spend time with? In social-exchange theory terms, this is called seeking out comparison alternatives. He does not want to be with you. In the meantime, there are emotional costs to you. You spend time thinking about him and may get tense, anxious, or angry because he has not respected your considerations. Indeed, this is confusion, not love. To turn love on and off is one of the most destructive human mechanisms. Love should be like a river of water that constantly flows rather than being on or off or polluted and dried up. I hope this helps.

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