I am happy to do this column since I have over 20 years of experience in researching communication and relationships. I have surveyed couples and taped them in my laboratory and in their homes. So, I invite you to send in your questions. We will have fun as well as offer practical advice based on years of research, interviews with my students, and counseling some individuals. Joy and misery come in relationships. That's what human existence is; for ultimately, we are a collective, spiritual species.

Relationships always fascinated me when I would see couples where they looked so opposite; a quiet person with a loudmouth; a short person with a tall person while the tall person gets back pain always having to bend over; a beautiful person with a homely person; a nice person with a rude, obnoxious person. Relationships are our greatest source of joy as well as misery. This reminds me of a classic song by the Irish rock group, U2 (With or Without You) when they sing, "I can't live with you or live without you." Relationships are filled with contradictory needs. One person wants to be close while their partner wants to be distant. Another intriguing thing about studying relationships is that it takes two persons to start one; yet it only takes one person to end it. Indeed, most people are biased when they say, they were the dumper rather than the dumpee. I study relationships to help people.

I became interested in jealousy, how people argue constructively as well as maliciously through namecalling. An intriguing element of romantic relationships is that communication tends to die out rather quickly. The next time you are at a romantic restaurant or at a place where couples and families congregate, notice that there really is NOT a lot of communication going on. Persons are often insecure in communicating about basic desires with those with whom they feel closest. I became interested in studying why we place conditional love on everyone we know. According to the research of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a major regret of person's on their deathbed is that they don't feel unconditional love until their last moments. By studying relationships, I help other people and learn more about myself in the process. It's a continual progression.

A major purpose of this column is to try to help a single person. If I can only help one person out there, then this it is worthwhile. That's one of my philosophies. We are relational creatures. For example, lonely people die earlier than those in stable relationships.

Technology has helped lonely and handicapped people to interact on the internet without people making bad initial impressions based on visual cues. E-mail is good for long-distance communication and cheaper than Sprint or MCI. Yet, technology has made some people more alienated in their relationships such as those who take cellular phones with them on camping trips or use them in the car.

I will say this about an unintended consequence of phone technology. Phone options such as caller id put a strain on developing the early connections in romance. For example, caller id and phone-answering machines allow "mind games" to be played. Consider the case of Eric. He meets Sheila at a party, gets her number, and calls her. She has the luxury of deciding if or when she will return his call at her convenience. The person doing the phone calling is in a subordinate position if the call is not returned. Unreturned phone calls send a loud, strong nonverbal message that the other person is not that important. People must make the time to return phone calls. I don't care how busy they are. MAKE THE TIME if the person is truly important. It's also basic politeness and courtesy to return a phone call with a short message saying, "I got your message, I'm real busy right now. I will talk to you as soon as I finish the business ." Often, this takes only 30 seconds. Being too busy is often a mere excuse for not being interested in the other person. The other person knows that. Therefore, we are seeing a greater variety of behaviors such as purposefully leaving the message machine off so as to avoid the expectancy of a return call. In talking with many of my students over the years, "playing phone tag" is ludicrous and destroys the beginnings of many relationships. Indeed, the phone answering machine has produced some unintended consequences for relationship initiation and rejection.

Empirical research has consistently revealed that finances are a major problem in marriage. Research has also revealed that when women make more money in the marriage than their husbands that he feels insecure. Yet, there are gigolos as well as "kept-women," "gold-diggers," and "sugar-daddies." Money is necessary but not sufficient for long-term marital stability. I love music. There used to be an old song in the 60's by the Beatles called, "Can't Buy Me Love." That is technically true. Yet, money buys short-term companionship (e.g., prostitution). Former secretary of state, Henry Kissinger, is famous for saying, "Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." Indeed, when a beautiful woman is seen with an old man who is out of shape, people often say that she enjoys the green backs.

Money doesn't produce happiness in marriage. Happiness is best predicted by a belief in God, feeling that you are in control of your destiny, being in a relationship, being optimistic, and 50% of happiness is due to genetics. Happiness in marriage also comes by treating your husband or wife like your best friend; someone you can confide in and not be judged.

Long-distance relationships such as Daytro is in can be described for some as "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," while for other people, long-distance relationships reflect "Out of sight, out of mind." While Daytro sends e-mails, I strongly recommend using one of the free musical greeting card internet sites to send romantic cards. You choose your message, an inspiring image, and select a song that is played in the background while your fiancee reads the card. It's very romantic. Another possibility is to send cassette tapes in which you disclose intimate details about how your day went and what you miss about your partner. I would send him a bouquet of flowers simply indicating how you miss him and that perhaps, the flowers could bring sunshine in his life for a day in your absence. Research shows that the giving of spontaneous things maintains attraction and love for those who care about each other.

September 10, 1999

I'm just kidding here, but a lot of individuals would immediately want to know if your friend is promiscuous.

Research on infidelity by Joe Pittman has revealed that if the infidel marries the man or woman whom the affair was with; that the new marriage tends to end in divorce. How can you ever trust each other? This is subconsciously thought about a great deal. It's clear the man's marriage is psychologically dead. Yet, I need a lot more information in order to give a prudent opinion. Maybe his wife and him argue, don't share any communication, time, faith, and spirituality. Indeed, infidelity reflects only the tip of the iceberg for underlying individual and relational problems. Infidelity is correlated with chemical dependency, lack of religious beliefs, and not believing that your partner supports you emotionally, physically, and communicatively to just name a few. Indeed, the causes of infidelity are sometimes quite simple (e.g., My partner does not love me while person X does) as well as very complex (e.g. A person commits infidelity despite being trained that it is morally wrong, will hurt the children, harm their reputation in a small town, etcetera). Indeed, I love music and recall a classic song by Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band who is currently on a worldwide tour. The name of the song is "Hungry Heart." I would show the song to your friend and tell her to listen to the song, The song goes as follows:

Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack
I went out for a ride and I never went back
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing
I took a wrong turn and I just kept going

Everybody's got a hungry heart, everybody's got a hungry heart
Lay down your money and you play your part, everbody's got a hungry heart.

I met her in a Kingstown bar, we fell in love
I knew it had to end
WE TOOK WHAT WE HAD AND WE RIPPED IT APART
NOW HERE I AM DOWN IN KINGSTOWN AGAIN

Springsteen says how the fellow ripped his family apart by having the affair. Indeed, having an affair is indeed like taking a trip on the TITANIC particularly if there are children involved. This is recognized cross-culturally and considered a sacred covenant. In 1988, a colleague of mine, Dr. Ken Zagacki and myself did a small study at LSU where we surveyed individuals about what they would do if a friend of theirs was being cheated on or they were doing the cheating. A number of strategies were used. Some persons simply told their friends that they were being cheated on. Some people don't get involved because they don't want to be seen as meddling. Some persons used an indirect strategy where they knew the infidel was with the third party and gave information to their friend about it.

In order to answer this question with specific guidance, I need more information. For example, I don't know the relationship between you and your "friend," maybe they would see you as meddling. Assuming they don't, it sounds like your friend has low self-esteem which, by the way, is sometimes associated with being the third party.

I would be supportive of your friend and if you really believe she wants to hear your advice and has enough trust in you as a friend, then you could tell her to think about the short and long-term consequences of being involved in an affair, let alone with multiple men. For everything there is a season, but then it's time to pay the pied-piper. If she continues this, then ultimately, she will reap what she sews. This maxim is so true. Springsteen's song is right to the point on this one.

There is research by Argyle and Henderson in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships on cross-cultural rules of friendship. Some of these apply here.

Rule 1: For women, send occasional e-mail friendship cards from places such as www.bluemountain.com.

Rule 2: Don't take friends for granted. A minimum of e-mail contact once every 17.3 days (just kidding!!) is sufficient.

Rule 3: Encourage your friend and tell her that friendship is often more emotionally passionate than so-called romantic attraction. Hence, the continuity of long-term friendships indicates loyalty which is highly valued.

Co-dependent relationships are referred to as CODA relationships. They can be defined as being dependent on another person to satisfy needs for control and affection in which satisfying those needs is affected by overlooking a partner's dependencies such as alcohol, drugs, or a high physical need such as always needing affection that may result in control or jealousy. Indeed, as Bono Hewson, the lead singer of U2 sings in the classic song, "With or Without You," You give yourself away and you give and you give, but I want more." The CODA word is over-used. For individuals who are very much in love, sharing a lot of time together is not seen as smothering each other. Yet, for unhappy relationships, a person who wants to be with his mate a lot of time is labeled as co-dependent. For every CODA relationship that is described in self-help groups, it is easy to think of an equivalent relationship that is happy except the persons aren't seen as CODA. The term has been so broadly applied, that it has lost it's meaning. For example, a person trying to save a relationship may be seen as CODA if the other person doesn't want to save it. Literally, co-dependency means to have interdependent needs and meshing the needs together. By their very existence, couples who have been married for 50 years can be said to have had a CODA existence. If you start thinking about positive CODA relationships, then you can appreciate the sharing of two individuals.

Research reveals that marital happiness goes down at the birth of the first child, particularly for husbands because they "feel left out." Marital happiness tends not to rise until the children leave home and go off to school. The problem is that many men feel that love is a "zero-sum game" such that there is not enough to go around. The new mother is busy with the child perhaps even breast-feeding. Research shows that father's tend to play with their infants more while the mother still does most of the cleaning work, changing diapers, feeding and so on; though this has changed a little. The bottom line is that she's tired and may not have the energy to devote to him exclusively.

Having children does not produce marital happiness. However, it can enhance some commitment to the marriage because the husband and wife have produced an heir that unites them unlike childless couples. I have known many childless couples. Those who were successful had compatible mental temperaments, communication skills, and could always trust their partners with intimate information.

Yet, as I report in Chapter 1 of my upcoming book, COGNITION, COMMUNICATION, AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS to be published by Lawrence Erlbaum next year, divorce is more likely to occur around the world among childless couples. Anthropologist Helen Fisher discusses how biochemical processes contribute to the development of romance. The brain's chemistry creates a heightened sense of excitement that we often describe as "falling in love." The brain physiology and chemistry associated with bonding evolved as part of our primordial mating system. Her research in different cultures has revealed that in societies allowing divorce, the most common length of marriage is four years. This time period conforms to the traditional period between successive human births. Fisher proposes that this four-year cycle is a pattern that evolved as a reproductive strategy to successfully raise a helpless child during infancy.

Aside from brain physiology, part of the reason for failed relationships is that the stability of contemporary relationships is contingent upon positive emotions being the "glue" for relationship bonding and the reason for a relationship to continue. Commitment to a relationship depends on the ebb and flow of levels of intimacy. However, such has not always been the case in this country. During the colonial period of the 18th century, intimacy was, at best, the result of the formal relationship rather than the cause of the romantic bond or marriage. Individuals were admonished to love their spouse even though physical assaults were common. Over time, affection became both the cause and cement of marriage.

September 17, 1999

The definitive answer here is males. Research to be reported by Roy Baumeister in Psychological Bulletin next year indicates how men think about sex more than women and are visually stimulated. According to Baumeister, the standard script for sex between humans depends vitally on the woman changing her mind about having sex. In nearly all known societies and among many animals, females refuse many offers or chances for sexual activity. When sex happens, it is because the women changed her vote from no to yes (men rarely cast a no vote for sex in the beginning of relational development). It is well documented in opposite-sex attraction that the man is typically ready for sex long before the woman. Men are more willing than women to have sex with someone they have just met. Men fall in love faster than women and are likely to feel loving affection and the accompanying sexual desire at an earlier point in the relationship.

Direct evidence about imagining about sex and refusing it was provided in a classic study in the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality by Clark and Hatfield in 1989. Individuals were approached by an opposite-sex person who pretended to desire the approached individual and invited the person to have sex that same evening. All the women refused while most of the men accepted. Other researchers have shown that strategies of avoiding sex are seen as being more common of women than of men while strategies for initiating and obtaining sex were rated as more typical of men than women. Clearly, the research participants associated seeking sex with being a guy and refusing sex with being a woman. Hence, women often decide when or if sex ever takes place.

I also want to mention the matching hypothesis. According to this, couples match up on the basis of similarity of attitudes, interests, beliefs, and yes, physical compatibility! Indeed, the least attractive person in a relationship is more prone to feelings of insecurity because he/she thinks that the better-looking partner may have wandering eyes while trying to find someone of similar physical looks. My students and I have discussed in class the idea that during love-making, a person who is with an unattractive person will close his/her eyes so they don't have to look at the other person. While their eyes are closed, they may fantasize about other persons or think about what they have to do the next day (e.g., doing the wash tomorrow). On the other hand, persons of similar looks are more prone to look into each other's eyes while making love. Indeed, the country singer Mickey Gilley had a song lyric in which he said that towards the end of closing time in a bar, people of the opposite sex start looking more physically attractive. Research has also revealed that this is only true for single, unattached people. If a person goes into a bar and is in a happy relationship with someone who couldn't accompany him or her to the bar, then as closing time approaches, person's of the opposite sex don't start looking better.

The bottom line is that men are visually stimulated when it comes to meeting someone for the first time. Women are stimulated by a variety of things such as sense of humor, height, perceived status of the person, etc. The fact that men's magazines showing the female body greatly outsell female magazines showing the male body attests to the visual imagery of men. Many more of my female students have been told in their lives that they are pretty, cute, attractive or beautiful compared to the men who are not told as often that they are attractive or handsome. Historically, she has been a sex object while he has been a success object. This is now changing since more women are enrolled in our universities than men and no longer depend on his success. Women are quite successful themselves, which by the way I find very exotic and enticing. Successful women don't intimidate me while they sometimes intimidate insecure men.

I indicate in my upcoming book, COGNITION, COMMUNICATION, AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS that being in love is due to the brain's neurotransmitters firing such that persons feel passionate. Falling in love is actually very short-term and has nothing to do with long-term committed love. People fall out of love just as often as the sex act is ended. Research by anthropologist Helen Fisher around the world has revealed that falling in love which, by the way, is called "limerence," lasts anywhere from 2 months to 18 months. After this period of ectasy is over, persons either stay together or split.

There are 6 types of love:

EROS -- This is hot, sexual passion. It is an intense love associated with spirituality, intellect, and sexuality. It is spontaneous, intuitive, and rapid. A sample statement reflecting EROS love is "My partner fits my ideal standards of physical beauty/handsomeness."

STORGE -- This is best-friends type of love. It's based on common interests, values, attitudes, and life goals. It grows out of friendship. A sample statement reflecting STORGE love is "Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship."

LUDUS -- This is a horrible type of game-playing love. Stupid, inane statements such as "playing the field" reflect this. LUDUS lovers regard relationships as things to be used and consumed, fun and enjoyable; but not the serious stuff of life. Ludid lovers loathe routine and are not willing to commit. A sample statement reflecting LUDUS love is, "I have sometimes had to keep my partner from finding out about other lovers." This type of love is destructive, self-centered, and somewhat dishonest.

MANIA -- This is a blend of eros and ludus. Manic lovers feel the passion and commitment of eros but play by the dishonest rules of ludus. The manic lover constantly needs reassurances of the other's love. A sample statement reflecting this type of love is, "When my partner doesn't pay attention to me, I feel sick all over."

AGAPE-- This love is a blend of storge and eros. It is religious love that is unselfish, generous, and willing to put their beloved's happiness ahead of their own. Jesus was the supreme prototype of the agape lover as was Gandi. AGAPE lovers do not expect or need reciprocity for their investments, because loving another is its own reward. A sample statement reflecting this type of love is, "I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his/hers.

PRAGMA--The final type of love is pragmatic love that blends the ludic and storgic styles. PRAGMA lovers use conscious, even manipulative means to find a partner with whom they can develop a stable, endurring love. Pragmas are conscious of their own assets and liabilities, so they are realistic in the matches they seek. Pragmas are goal-oriented and have definitive criteria for love relationships such as religious affiliation, desire for money, desirable career goals, and so forth. Yet, they are often seen as coldly practical. A sample statement reflecting PRAGMA love is, "One consideration in choosing my partner was how he/she would reflect on my career."

Falling out of love occurs every minute while long-term committed love is a process. Love must be nurtured. IT IS NOT TO BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. Those who take it for granted often are depressed when they lose it. The bottom line is that your search for love is over if you have a variety of some of these love types and both partners are committed. The worst type of lovers are the ludus lovers because they use people. Love is a game. Yet, the game gets old very fast. I will end with the song lyrics from the song, Looking for the Right One by Art Garfunkel of Simon and Garfunkel. He sang, "I've been so unlucky, I'm not good at playing games, remembering faces. [Note, this is ludus love.] Thought I've found the right one, but she didn't find me. So I bundled up my emotions and it didn't stop. They say there's no use running after something you won't get." (Note, this is pragma.) He ends saying, "But my heart says..." (This is eros love.)

I am so sorry you are heartbroken. Yet, why do you want this fellow? You need more than "instant chemistry" which your heartbreak attests to. Many "chemicals" are fatal to humans. You need someone who will respect you, understand, and cherish you. (We all seek this!). You are on the rebound from your divorce. Research by Wallerstein and Blakeslee clearly indicates that individuals who remarry relatively shortly after divorce tend to have repeat problems and get divorced again. Find time to discover your own self-esteem. Don't be someone who has to be in a relationship whether it is lousy or not. I wrote in last week's column that "falling in love" doesn't cut it for long-term relationship happiness. People fall out of love just as quickly. Recall, there are 6 different types of love. You are preoccupied with passionate and ludus love. Go back and look at the archive for last week's question. You need pragma, agape, and passionate love, not mania and ludus love. HASTE MAKES WASTE!

A couple is not 2 halves that make a whole but a couple has to consist should of 2 whole people who come together to be one. Hence, you have to be whole in yourself before the relationship begins. Don't sell yourself short.

This guy sounds like a loser despite his facades in bed and at parties. The fact, it takes alcohol for him to make enduring comments to you is a tell-tale sign that he may be withdrawn. Reminds me of John Lennon's classic song, "I'm a Loser" when he sings, "I'm a loser and I'm not what I appear to be. Of all the love, I have won or have lost, there is one love I should never have crossed. She was a girl in a million my friends." I hope you start to cherish yourself as the song by the band, the Association says.

The definitive answer is "yes." You mailed in an earlier question indicating how you were adopted, avoided touch by your adopted mother, have never been in a dating relationship even though you are 24, and don't have personal feelings for women.

According to attachment theory, you are what is called a "fearful avoidant." You would like a sincere relationship but due to low self-esteem and the self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection, feel that you are "unlovable." According to the research of Dr. Warren Farrell in his book, WHY MEN ARE THE WAY THEY ARE, when people feel they are unlovable, they use a defense mechanism whereby persons of the opposite sex are treated as objects rather than full, legitimate, sincere human beings. It is easier for a rejected man to view women as sex objects because IT HURTS LESS TO BE REJECTED BY AN OBJECT THAN BY A FULL HUMAN BEING. Recall the golden rule of "doing unto others as you would have them do unto you." There is wisdom in this.

I would consult a counselor and deal with the rejection you feel due to being adopted. In fact, there is a counselor in town who was adopted herself and has counseled many adopted children who feel insecure about their identity.

In an earlier e-mail, you indicated that you visit prostitutes and strippers. The worst thing you can do is continue to go to prostitutes, escorts, and strip clubs because that empowers the "sex objects" over you by making you feel like a lustful steer who has to pay for female attention. It may only contribute to the contemptuousness you feel toward women since you have to pay for sexual stimulation. There are other ways of stimulation. Women should not be treated as sex objects just as men historically should not be treated as success objects. Ideally, human beings should be treated with dignity, acknowledgement, and respect. That is an ideal goal, though in reality it may never be achieved because of a variety of circumstances and variables.

It's true that our past creates problems; but it's your choice to be consumed by resentment or strive to overcome it and become a stronger person. I try to be a stronger person in everyday life through faith.

The answer is with TLC, diligence, and sincerity to friends and students. I have been divorced for years due to my ex-wife having manic-depression, multiple personalities, and never having told me while we were dating that this ran in her family. We rarely argued and shared many good times together until she had a series of psychotic episodes whereby her personality drastically changed particularly when she was unable to conceive due to being on psychotropic medicines for the mental illness. I often had to help her deal with the coldness by her mother who also had been institutionalized along with her when she was an adolescent. I tried to help and counsel her, but she had serious problems with medicines, side-effects, delusions, and scapegoating. I am proud that she was more stable when we married years ago compared to before and after. In essence, I was a counselor and caregiver to her.

Let me reiterate the following: I conduct research on couples and have done this for over 20 years by surveying couples, interviewing them, bringing them to the laboratory, and taping them in their homes. Hence, I can take an objective viewpoint since I read the research journals and books. Before, I was married and taught my family communication course, I would say that I was an objective outsider. Now, having been never married, married, and divorced, I can empathize with those who are in any of these categories from a personal as well as an objective, outsider viewpoint.

In answer to your second question, research shows that never-married people live shorter lives than married people. The insurance companies know this based on actuarial figures. Single people miss more days from work due to health reasons. Men are more happier in their marriages according to numerous studies in the Journal of Marriage and the Family. I have surveyed over 600 couples from numerous states and found the same thing. Still, it is better to be never married than to be in a marriage where you are not affirmed. As human beings, we all are seeking affirmation. It comes or is denied in a variety of ways.

As I report in my upcoming book, COGNITION, COMMUNICATION, AND ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS, cognition and emotions are vital in selecting a quality mate. Unfortunately, in this mobile, transient society, mates are often chosen based not on cognition and compatibility, but on drinking, being witty, tall, and a flirt (Note, research has revealed that flirting is also a personality trait. If he flirts with you, he flirts with numerous people. So, be aware of this type of chemistry. Flirting is game-playing love as I discussed in this column two weeks ago.) I give this to you as food for thought based on the research on flirting by Barbara Montgomery: A flirt looks at a skirt or shirt, yet could care less about the person's values.

Cognition as defined here is the way we perceive events in the environment based on our experience which creates expectations for how things should be. Yet, we live in an environment based on instantaneous want and need. For example, finding people in bars for a committed relationship is foolhardy. As Billy Joel sings in his song, "Piano Man" they are all sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it is better than drinking alone. Going to bars like Thin Lizzies on the Amite River tends not to result in quality matches. How many people do you know met their true love at a bar compared to those who met at other places? Trying to pickup someone at a bar often hides the underlying loneliness that individuals have. Think of all the meaningful conversations you have had in bars with all the loud dance music going on. Bars are for drinking for people who don't have parties they can go to. They are not for forming long-lasting marriages. Yet, the chemistry dependency is truly there.

What happens when the chemistry ends? Research reveals that being madly in love doesn't last very long because the neurotransmitters in the brain that release the endorphins for "passionate love" become desensitized. There is a test that you can take at www.keirsey.com that tests one's mental temperament. The compatibility of mental temperament is a better indicator of long-term marital quality than short-term horniness. When students of mine complain that they thought they had great "chemistry" between them and an ex-partner, I reply, "But what about the physics of the relationship? What about the communication and psychology of the relationships? Indeed, many chemicals are often flammable and unstable.

Currently, a colleague and I are investigating American, Japanese, and Thailand cultures in terms of mental imagery and how the sexes go about asking favors from each other. I have visited Bangkok when I guest lectured at the Thai Chamber of Commerce University. I also visited the rural areas. America is an individualistic society in which human are taught be selfish while the Pacific Rim historically has been more of a collectivisitic culture where the needs of the family and others outweigh the needs of the individual. This is now changing in Japan because of the "McDonalization" of the islands.

I have known Korean women who were successful CEO's in California who were very feminine at home. We need to distinguish how we act in public from private. Asian women have been subservient to their men at home. American women have empowered themselves in corporate institutions. In fact, the term "SuperWoman" was coined to describe a working mother and/or wife. More recent research in organizational culture has revealed that indeed, there are lots of stresses on working mothers. Unfortunately, across the world, men still do less of the domestic duties at home. However, in happy marriages, the work of John Gottman has indicated that men do more work at home compared to unhappily-married men.

I believe there is value and worth in both masculinity and feminity. A man should be respected for his maleness while a woman should be respected and praised for her femininity. Ideally, they can be a perfect fit. Yet, the fittings due to cultural messages often become loose.

Some female students that I have taught from Asia at LSU and the University of California, Santa Barbara commented on how "spoiled" American women are and that they have little respect for male drives. They are referring to stereotypes. On the other hand, the American students see the Asian women as "uninformed, taken advantage of, and nieve." Neither view is right.

Karen, I agree with your counselor. You are co-dependent with your boyfriend. He is the role model of men that your father was a negative role model for. I am currently conducting research on verbal aggression and if it just simply erupts or do individuals plan it out in advance with great calculation and forethought. If we find it is planned out, then we can intervene in terms of counseling verbally aggressive men and women how to change their thoughts within their mind.

Also, you have to really want to change and be motivated for counseling to have benefits. Many individuals see counselors and merely want a sounding board because they are too lazy to change, don't want to change because they are used to the predictaments they are. Many individuals simply to complain about hardship or barriers; yet motivational desire to really want to change is an entirely different matter. That's where spirituality and values are important.

I would also suggest that you affirm yourself, occasionally. Tell yourself about your ability to help someone else. Buy yourself some perfume and enjoy it. Give yourself a reward for being true to yourself. I would suggest even getting a small cat or dog to focus attention on to rather than focusing all the attention on your boyfriend. You don't want to ignore or smother him. It's a fine line. Knowing that line only comes through experience, wisdom, and yes, some luck.

You never know someone completely before you get married. Published research in HUMAN COMMUNICATION RESEARCH by some colleagues and I has revealed that uncertainty and ambiguity may increase in long-term relationships such as when persons say, "I never knew he was like that." Indeed, there is a stupid mysticism during romance about the hidden self of someone else being so romantic. Then, the persons bitterly complain later when the hidden self erupts and it is sometimes too late. You hear this complaint all the time, i.e., "His true self changed and he didn't tell me that he didn't really like some things about me. I found out too late. Yet, I wouldn't have wanted to hear it back then, either."

Research by Basil Murstein reveals that both men and women are first noticed for their looks. He calls this the stimulus stage. Second, there is often a 3-5 month period in which individuals are put into roles. It's like auditioning for a role. The third stage of relationship formation is the value stage in which values are supposedly discussed. However, in my own research, I have found that very often men and women simply do not have values let alone discuss them. They can't even define what a value is other than being materialistic which is fleeting and doesn not bring long-term mental stability or happiness according to research by Morton Weir of the University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign. I conduct communication workshops for engaged couples and it is amazing how such topics as religious beliefs, beliefs about corporal punishment, or beliefs about the importance of career versus home have NEVER been discussed.

When individuals are "auditioning" for roles to be defined in with other individuals they encounter, they have a limited time to "audition." Once they are put into a role, it is very difficult to change roles. I refer to this as the "A-HA" experience. How often do you know someone who was "friends" with someone for a very long time and then all of a sudden one morning, they looked upon the friend as a new, sexy romantic partner? This is rare and is more likely to occur when we are available such as a relationship ending, problems in the current relationship, or going through some type of crisis that reveals previously unknown attractive qualities of the friend.

Yet, once a person is viewed merely as a friend, it is very hard if not difficult to put them in the role of a lover. Indeed, research on cross-sex, platonic friendship has revealed that a number of "friends" have fantasized about having sex with their friends. I have discussed this with many of my students over the years that when you first meet someone, you sublimenally decide what potential role that person is going to be in (e.g., business acquaintance, golfing buddy, friend at work, someone to occasionally have business lunch with, someone to tell my problems too, etcetera). Once the role is cast, it is difficult to change the role from a less intimate one to a more intimate one. It only happens when there are external events that intervene. In addition, "being friends" is sometimes a euphemism for not being physically attracted to someone so instead of saying, "The idea of being intimate with you is abominable," persons say we can be friends."

At your age, you have to "test the waters." Indeed, a colleague of mine who counsels some older couples has often commented on the problem of first-loves who never ventured out at a young age, grew restless as the years went by because they felt they missed out on other experiences. This reflects the maxim of having oats to sew.

The relationship with him is probably over as you described it. From his point of view, he doesn't want to open up because self-disclosure is vulnerable and he knows you will be going back to college, leaving the hometown, and "not be there for him" because of the distance. All you can do know is send him some flowers to nonverbally show him you care and observe his reaction. Yet, don't give the flowers to test him; give him the flowers to show that you are a caring person who was concerned about his accident. Actions speak louder than words in this case.

The accident may have made you feel a little guilty for ending your relationship. Rid yourself of this guilt. You are young. I would give different advice if you were in your 30's. Due to the age of lack of commitment and values, many older individuals often exit the relationship when the going gets tough such as if one person is afflicted with an illness. Bad things happen. Running away from problems doesn't solve them; the problems only corrode the interior of the person just like hidden termites that slowly eat away at the foundation of a house.

You can't build a relationship out of guilt. You are at the stage of life whereby you are trying to educate yourself, establish the American dream for yourself, and discover through trial and error.

The answer here is very clear. Loneliness and social exchange theory. We all have three emotional needs:

• inclusion - to be recognized for existing
• control - to control others or be controlled under guidance and instruction in others areas
• affection - to give and receive love. Inclusion is necessary but not sufficient for love to take place. That's one what distinguishes friends from lovers. Friends are people we may do things with lovers may go beyond in terms of giving and receiving physical affection.

I'm a drummer and play classic rock. This reminds me of a classic song by the rock group from the early 70's, Three Dog Night. They had a song called, "One." They eloquently sang:

These lyrics apply to your ex-girlfriend. Her inclusion need is not being satisfied being alone. Hopefully, she will gradually soothe herself.

My heart goes out to you, Peggy Sue. You wrote a very long letter which I've edited for this column. Also, your long letter was not too revealing at all. I understand. You indicated, that you need him to open up and talk about his feelings. Research by John Gottman reveals that the biggest female complaint about male communication is their lack of disclosure and withdrawal on many issues pertinent to the relationship or lack thereof and their own vulnerability. Boys are not socialized to reveal emotions and then women complain when the "boys" are men such that they can not emotionally reveal themselves. Some of us on the other hand, myself included wear our emotions on our sleeves and are very open and sensitive communicators.

Peggy, you also wrote that he needs you to trust him. Trust is something that is earned, not given, lest a person be naively gullible and get hurt. Yet, you also revealed that he lied about being away on yet, another business trip and you found out that he slept with the girl whom he had an affair with. Go back into the archives and look at the 6 different types of love I discussed. He is into game-playing love.

Give yourself credit, you actually gave yourself excellent advice in your question to me. You wrote after realizing that he was not going to commit, that he had other issues and that you could no longer see him because both of you seemed to need different things.

This reminds me of a classic song by a group whose music I've played on the drums. The song is called, "I Need You" by America.

We used to laugh, we used to cry
We used to bow our heads then wonder why
But now you're gone, I guess I'll carry on.

Deep in your heart, you know what to do, carry on. This guy is always "on the road again" as Willie Nelson sings in his song. Yet, recall the maxim, "while the cats away, the mice will play." I agree with your friend about this fellow.

Your letter revealed a lot of intuitive wisdom on what you should do. For example, you also wrote how you often have changed the intensity of relationships after feeling distant or diminished. Essentially, you were putting the needs of others first. This is becoming a rare spiritual quality in contemporary society that I truly admire in you.

We all desire someone who will open up to us and affirm us. The work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on death and dying totally attests to this. If you continue to be involved with him, then you may be setting yourself up for mania love which is hot and cold, on and off and not desirable (see archives on the 6 different types of love).

Peggy, you know in your heart what to do on this one. You alluded to this in your nice long letter. Sometimes, we only need encouragement from others.

You've got to cut the "umbilical cord." In terms of the family life cycle, this is the stage that is referred to in the research literature as the "launching stage." This occurs when the first-born goes off the college or moves out of the house. He has to establish his independence. Communicate with him by phone and e-mail if he moves far away. I don't know how involved you are with work, activities, or hobbies. However, if you have time, develop interests in areas that you may have put on the back-burner. Encourage your son in college to do the best he can. In addition, attachment theory is very clear in showing how the relationship between a son and his mother affects his lifelong, adult romantic relationships.

It is a shame that he is using you as a scapegoat for the problem. You mentioned in your letter that the "D" word (divorce) has come up several times even though you don't truly want that. I cite the work of anthropologist Helen Fisher in my upcoming book and discuss her book in my communication and relationships class at LSU. Let me rather blunt, the research reviewed by Fisher reveals that cross-culturally, childless couples in their 20s and early 30s tend to divorce earlier than older couples (e.g., defined as mid 30's and up) and couples with children. The modal year of divorce around the world is 4 years; so it appears that you could fall in this pattern.

He needs to see a physician. ED is correctable ranging from such treatment as popular medicines like Viagra to diet changes or even stress reduction. Of course, you need to sincerely love him as well or it will backfire (pun intended!). Furthermore, even if the ED were not correctable with medicine or other procedures, there are alternative ways for him to personally "make love" to you that shows he really cherishes you and wants to show you affection.

When you write that you want affection; that is one of the 3 basic interpersonal communication needs that humans require. The others are inclusion and control. The affection need is the desire to love and be loved. I mentioned the work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in a prior answer. On their deathbeds, many people talk about how life is filled with conditional love and that unconditional love is what they are striving for as they go on. They regret the conditional love and affection in this life. Conditional love starts to be manifested around age 4. For healthy individuals, a satisfying sex life often symbolizes the love in other areas.

Me too! I work as a university professor. If I had the answer, I would be a trillionaire and winner of a Nobel prize. Your question is a basic question that has been asked since the dawn of the ages. I teach courses in gender and communication as well and both men and women always are asking this. People who are single always ask this particularly in areas such as this where the demography is not conducive to what you describe. Furthermore, social exchange theory says that when the comparison alternatives are low, persons lower their standards. I understand why you are a holdout; indeed you keep hoping for Audrey. You can't meet quality women in bars. Church is problematic because there are couples and families there as well as needy people that don't match your intellect I suppose. I face this all the time secluded on a university campus in a small building. Join the human race as John Lennon sings in one of his songs, Instant Karma.

Seriously, it's too bad you can't move to a larger urban area where there are more choices in terms of demography. The only thing that the research indicates is too have faith and cultivate friendships. I know this sounds trite and like an inane cliché. Indeed, it is a miracle when two people connect in a small area like this because the comparison alternatives or the "field of alternatives" is low. Needy people have to be in a relationship. I hope you are not "needy." There's a song called, Looking for the Right One as well as another song called, Searchin in which the lyrics go, "I've been searchin, searchin, follow the sunrise searching, all I can do is keep on searchin."

Mr. or Ms. Perfect does not exist. You will not find perfection. Indeed, sometimes they are under our very noses even though we don't realize it. Yet, don't give up, have faith. This is the human condition. Also, research reveals that on the internet, just like in life, people lie and what you see is not what you necessarily get. People form impressions of each other quickly based on sight with an initial accuracy of 67% based on initial impressions. Yet, we live in a society where values are often extinct. Sorry, but the only advice I can give is to cultivate your own interests and friendships as best you can. I know this is trite. We know live in a society where it's hard to develop long-lasting communication. My students tell me this all the time. I see it everyday in their faces and in campus. Indeed, there are many lonely people despite being in a sea of faces. I advise you to be prepared for a marathon. If you prepare for a sprint, there is no long term continuity.

Continue to cultivate your own interests and hobbies, whatever they may be. You indicated you feel esteem in your job and family. Many do. For those who don't, it's even worse.

As I've indicated in prior answers to questions on long-distance relationships (see archives), they can work with e-mail, phoning, doing surprise things for each other such as sending flowers, and music cards. However, I wonder if she does love you. She may have oats to sew. She wasn't there when you needed her. It's not clear if you are referring to her being away at college and not living in the same town or if she was not there for you when you were both in the same town. If the latter is the case, she is concerned with her own needs; not your needs.

In social-exchange theory terms, she may be wanting to assess the comparison alternatives at college (other guys). Also, she may not be there for you hoping you will think more negatively of her so when she goes off to college, you won't be as hurt.

I am not a medical doctor, but a professor. However, there are individual differences to side effects of contraception including weight changes, tactile stimulation differences, and in some cases, changes in intensity and desire as noted in medical journals. Actually, if there is a decrease in desire on your part, there are other types of contraception. Some women feel more stimulation from using a fitted IUD or diaphragm. You could consider alternative forms of contraception. Talk with your physician and boyfriend.

Yet, stress is a major factor in sexual responsiveness as is verbal and nonverbal communication. The fact you are about to graduate from college may be stressful. You alluded to that. I don't know if your boyfriend has graduated or what his situation in regards to your graduation is? You may be in a state of learned helplessness if you think you are going to be separated from your boyfriend after graduation; so a self-fulfilling prophecy could be started by you. Withhold yourself so that when and if you are separated from your boyfriend, you are accustomed to the lack of sex. In essence, the impending separation is more tolerant for you. Again, this is mere speculation on my part since I don't have enough information here.

If you are going to be together, then talk with your physician and boyfriend and consider alternative forms of contraception.

I discuss attachment theory in my book and my communication and relationship course at LSU. There are 4 attachment styles: secure, preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant. You have a preoccupied attachment style in that you are fearful of abandonment. You may have been abandoned before. (Note: You used the pseudonym of Tom, so I assume that this is a same-sex relationship.) You fear that your partner will abandon you since it's happened before. According to attachment theory, you are preoccupied with the continuation of your relationship and may even have tads of jealousy at times.

Another potential problem here is that your partner appears to be a conflict-avoider in that he doesn't like to discuss issues. You may be a conflict-engager to the extent that you like to place issues out on the table for candid discussion. The research by John Gottman reveals that individuals who like to avoid conflict who are paired with those who like to discuss issues have problems and tend to end. Both partners feel insecure, tense, and unhappy in this type of situation. The conflict-avoider sees the conflict-engager as being intrusive and sticking his/her nose in areas that trivial. A mountain is made out of a molehill. Conversely, the conflict-engager believes the avoider is not interested in them and feels emotionally detached from the relationship.

I would discuss the problems with the matching of conflict-engagers and and conflict-avoiders with your partner. Also, indicate to him how "silence" has high communicative value. Indeed, there is a basic old axiom in interpersonal communication which says that ONE CANNOT NOT COMMUNICATE! Silence signals disinterest and is nonverbally saying, "I am not interested and that I am concerned with my own needs." You interpret the silence as meaning he does not care. The impact of his nonverbal silence may be different from the intent of his silence. Hence, miscommunication and feelings of insecurity are the result.

One of most basic interpersonal communication needs is INCLUSION. This is the desire to be recognized for your own self-worth. Our self-esteem is affected by how others treat us, communicate with us, praise, ignore, or damn us. Affirmation is what John Gottman refers to in marriage as validation. He has an excellent book called THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK that is based on his 30 years of research of observing couples argue.

The most common technique recommended for resolving conflict is called active listening in which "I" statements that focus on what a person is feeling rather than hurling criticisms and accusations at another are used. For example, "I feel lonely when I'm home alone with Pepe' night after night while you're working late" is recommended rather than saying something like, "You don't care. You're selfish. You use me to watch the dog." This immediately makes the accused, defensive.

The use of "I" statements is recommended which heightens the probability of a nondefensive remark being made. Ideally, individuals are taught to respond with paraphrases of the content and feeling of the complainer's position. The listener is asked to validate his partners feelings to let the other know that he considers them legitimate, that he respects and empathizes with her even if he doesn't share her perspective. He might say, "It must be hard taking care of Pepe' by yourself when I'm not here." The listener is asked to respond nondefensively, suspend judgement, and not argue for his point of view.

The problem with this advice is that research has shown, IT DOES NOT WORK. It is good to try, but don't expect your partner to be Superman or Superwoman.

Actually, what may work a little better is simply to say thinks like, "I understand you are angry." This doesn't mean giving up your own position.

AFFIRMING someone in a relationship means you are attempting to UNDERSTAND them. We live in such an autistic world, self-absorbed world where people often think that the world revolves them. Indeed, Bruce Springsteen sings, "Poor man wanna be rich, Rich man wanna be king, And a king ain't satisfied Till he rules everything."

Affirmation is at the heart of security in interpersonal relationships. We all seek affirmation everyday. To be affirmed is a part of being loved.

Indeed, I love music. I grew up exposed to music with my mother playing the piano. My brothers played horns, piano, and keyboards. I played the violin, drums, and harmonica. My hobby is playing classic rock on my Ludwig drums and the harmonica. I have also researched music therapy in which classical music playing in the background at a low level is conducive for resolving conflict while some couples are arguing. MUSIC IS A UNIVERSAL tonic for the soul and spirit. There's a great old song that I play with my friends called, LISTEN TO THE MUSIC by the Doobie Brothers. The lyrics are universal. I often send a very important person in my life, Sheila, musical cards of inspiration in order to brighten up her day. We both love Beatle music.

Music can soothe our emotions as well as make us feel worse. The ISO principle of music states that if you are feeling depressed, then playing upbeat positive music will initially backfire. Start out by playing slow music and then start playing faster more uplifting music on your CD player in order to change your moods and emotion.

A song that I recommend is one by Bette Midler who won a 1989 Grammy Award for it. The song is called WIND BENEATH MY WINGS. Sheena Easton had a later version of it.

The lyrics are:

It must have been cold there, in my shadow
To never have sunlight on your face
You've been content to let me shine, you always walked a step behind

I was the one with all the glory, while you were the one with all the strength
Only a face without a name, and I never heard once you complain

Did you ever know that you're my hero, and everything I'd like to be
I could fly higher than an eagle, 'causee you are the wind beneath my wings
It might have appeared to go unnoticed, but I've got it all here in my heart
I want you to know I know the truth, I would be nothing without you

Did you ever know that you're my hero, and everything I'd like to be
I could fly higher than an eagle, 'cause you are the wind beneath my wings
You are the wind beneath my wings.

This song is inspirational. Also, tell your stepfather how much he has meant to you. Men and women need to be acknowledged. Keeping it within does no one any good.

Little girls are rewarded for showing and displaying emotion. There are 6 basic types of emotion that are recognized around the world: fear, joy, happiness, surprise, anger, and sadness. The most recognized emotions are anger and joy. Surprise is often confused with fear. Women are able to recognize emotions more than men according to research on how men and women display their emotions. Think of the most emotional person you know. Most people think of a woman. What makes them say that? It has to do with the intensity of the display of emotions. Historically, men have only been reinforced for communicating one emotion and that unfortunately is anger. You've heard the saying, "Don't get mad, get even." Sports competition is about channeling anger into a strategy for defeating an opponent.

On the other hand, women are socially reinforced to communicate and display a variety of emotions. Indeed, this is rewarded because as the song says, "She's a lady" and "She's got that loving feeling." An emotional boy is punished for showing his vulnerability. An emotional girl is well, just being a little lady. Yet, the inherent contradictory punishment and reward has life-long affects on men and women as adults.

I guarantee you this. If you have an emotional person dating or married to a non-emotional person; the research on personality temperament shows that there tend to be problems in this pairing because each person's needs for inclusion and affection are hard to satisfy.

When a little boy skins his knee and comes into his house, his mother or daddy will let him cry for 30 seconds. Then he's quickly told to "gut it up--that boys don't control and it isn't manly to cry." If the little boy's sister skins her knee, then she is allowed to cry a hell of a lot and show her emotion. This is hypocritical. Yet, when the little boy grows up and 20 years later, his girlfriend wonders why he doesn't show emotion. It's because, he was never socially reinforced or rewarded by parents, peers, the schools, and mentors for doing so. He has learned, NOT TO SHOW EMOTION. He's also learned that to show emotion in high school is a sign of weakness.

One of the biggest complaints that my male students tell me in gender and communication class is the hypocrisy of being told by their girlfriends, that's it allright to cry when under stress, torment, or some bad situation. Yet, they quickly know that they are allowed to cry for a minute, but then they had better get over it because it is "wimpy, indecisive, NOT MANLY" to cry.

You are probably crying on the inside at times. Most men are; yet they dare not reveal that to anyone.

It depends on how much she was esteemed in her family of origin. If you tell her you love her everyday, it becomes ritual and meaningless. You need to tell her that you love her verbally and nonverbally, periodically though not on a predictable schedule. Tell her at least once a week. We can never hear it enough so long as it is does not follow a prescribed schedule. Show her you love her nonverbally through smiles, eye gaze, a furtive stroking of the fingers. A major problem some men have is to assume that through their actions that their girlfriends understand they love them. We are not mindreaders. You need to say it as well as show it. Do little unannounced surprises such as giving a compliment, "You look beautiful today."

I must add this. I disdain sleezy men who say "I love you" as a way of saying, "I want to sleep with you." Many women know exactly what he means when he says this. Men need to show respect to women as the inverse. Cut out the manipulation of saying, "I love you" in order to get sex. Research by Hill and his associates at Boston College has revealed that men will say "I love you very early on in a relationship" in order to get sex. She realizes this.

The answers are not simple. First, this is a relatively common situation. A collegue of mine who is a therapist has discussed a number of cases in which older individuals have oats to sew and unfulfilled needs to not marrying the right one. The latest research reveals that for long-enduring spouses, they see their partners as their best friend. The friendship is strong enough to withstand differences of agreement.

You mention some things that trouble me. You said that you fell in love with her, but nothing came of it. Why? There is what is known as UNREQUITED LOVE. This has happened to me and all humans at some time or another. You love someone, but it is not reciprocated. Instead, the other person wants to be friends which is often a euphemism for not wanting to be physically intimate because you find qualities in the other person that are physically unappealing (e.g., weight, skin problems, height, out of shape….). The rejection of affection is a major problem that humans face.

Then you indicated that she finally admitted to loving you after a long period of time. I would ask her why it took her so long? When did she realize she loved you and why? It seems very odd that she revealed this to you all of a sudden after watching a movie. There was something in the movie that triggered the communication of love. In psychology, this is called the TRANSFERENCE. We transfer over to someone else our feelings from unmet needs. When she says, she will do anything for you that is indicating a dependency and some commitment. Beware of separating co-dependency from true commitment.

You will not be happy with your current girlfriend because of your pragma and romantic love for your "friend." I firmly believe and research bears this out, that two lovers should be good if not best friends.

I cite song lyrics often because I love music and play the drums. There's a classic song by Carole King called, "I'll Be There" that deals with a person indicating how he/she is there for the friend.

Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call,
I'll be there.

The quality of our friendships is related to mental well-being. Loneliness results in more illness and indeed, affects the immune system. Yet, many people are lonely in their existing relationships.

You need to ask yourself this question: Given a choice, which person would you rather be alone with on a desert island when it's raining or food has to be rationed? It sounds the old friend is whom you would choose.

It sounds like that you really desire the friend and that the feeling is mutual. You need to ask the friend how much she loves you and why? Why did it take her so long to reveal this to you? Why is she willing to wait for a long time if you are with the current girlfriend? Do the 2 girls know each other? There are unanswered questions here.

I am also afraid that you may love the friend so much because you saw her as unobtainable. Some people are excited by the chase or the hunt. Then, if or when the chase is over, they lose interest. This is abominable and should be banned from human consciousness in the pursuit and maintenance of interpersonal relationships. Unfortunately, this has resulted in repercussions in other areas of pursuit, such as when she says "no," it may not really mean "no," because there is the stupid hope that she really means "yes." Contradictions like this result in conflict and "He said, she said" debates.

Marie: "You seem to really enjoy music and are very creative in comparing songs to situations."

Karen: "I've bookmarked 'Ask Dr. Jim' and I've gone through all of the archives. I'm really impressed with the job you've done. You do a good job of weaving theories with practical advice, enabling you to reach a variety of people. I especially like your philosophy that all people should be appreciated and respected for who they are, not what they look like or how much they earn. I just wanted you to know that I think you're doing a good job."

Simone: "I love the way you use music and relate songs to everyday life. Continue to beat the drums since you're a drummer."

Micah: "You really have opened my eyes to how women view guys when they meet guys for the first time. I wish I knew this before."

Roxanne: "I simply enjoy reading your responses. You don't preach on a pedestal and you relate your opinions to studies; not ignorant opinion."

Ron: "You are informative, entertaining, and make me think about the way I treat my co-workers, both men and women."

All we'd like to add is Thanks Dr. Jim!

Some of my students have talked to me about the holiday blues. I want to respond to this. This is the time of the year when people who are unattached such as myself may feel a little depressed. It's called the holiday blues because the media and commercialization all extol the gathering of families and loved ones. What about people who are single and have no one? They may feel depressed, sullen, and resentment toward the media at being reminded that they have no one.

I recommend exercise, eating wise, listening to positive instrumental music (e.g., Ravel's Bolero, Pachelbel's Canon in D), and reading positive things. I'm lucky because I run and play the drums, have faith, and listen to lots of music. I also teach music therapy. Do not be a couch potato. Persevere. Life is a journey. Destination is a process not an endpoint. In this regard, I cite the beautiful words from a famous song by the old classic, rock n' roll group, "America." The name of the song is Lonely People. I play this song on my drums and harmonica.

This is for all the lonely people thinking that life has passed them by
Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup and ride that highway in the sky.

This is for all the single people thinking that love has left them dry.
Don't give up until you drink from the silver cup, You never know until you try.

I would need more personal, intimate information about the relationship between your friend and you. Hence, I am going to give you general advice based on research and intuitiveness. I don't mean to offend anyone concerning religious faith or if they have no religious beliefs. That's not the point of what I'm about to advise. Indeed, this column is based on empirical research. Yet, there is an old maxim that you probably have heard concerning disciplining and not sparing the rod. It says in the book of Proverbs 29:15 and 17 the following: The rod of correction imparts wisdom but a child left unto him/herself disgraces his/her mother. Discipline your son and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul. Research in child development has actually supported this proverb written 2500 years ago.

Indeed, recently the public school systems have started to recognize this again with their zero-tolerance policies about carrying weapons into school campuses and creating disturbances in school. The past 30 years of research on the effects of corporal punishment have revealed that not disciplining a child who is being impolite, brash, curt, or impertinent reinforces the child for his "bratty" behavior.

You are in a precarious situation giving advice to your friend because you don't want to be seen as meddling. I would ask you friend how her son behaves at home. You could ask her the following sample questions: (Note, I will use a hypothetical name of Toby). How well-behaved is Toby at home? I'm curious, does he act up a lot? Why or why not? Do you think Toby acts differently when you're not around? What do you think about corporal punishment? What did your parents do to you when you misbehaved? Was this effective? When you leave your son with me, I need to make sure that I encourage him and nurture him and discipline him in the same way you do - how would you like me to do that?" Then, if the discipline bit isn't picked up, it can be added into a positive series of questions and also trains the parent to consider the whole aspect of continuity.

Essentially, you have to learn the orientation of your friend and find out the source of the "brat's misbehaviors." There is no easy solution since you are not the parent.

The only thing I can tell you about the brat's misbehaviors comes from attachment theory. According to attachment theory, we have 4 styles of attachment that are derived from the mother because she is the primary care-giver and historically spends more time caring and nurturing the infant and the developing child. Researchers observe what happens when the mother leaves her child at a day-care center and how the child reacts to the mother's departure and return. Some children are content and start playing with other children. These are called 1) secure attachments. These kids feel secure in their attachment with their mother. They feel loved. They are optimistic about life.

On the other hand, some kids have temper tantrums at their mother's departure and then when she returns they run to her. These kids have been given unpredictable patterns of reinforcement. They are obsessive-compulsive and preoccupied with their mother's departure. These kids are the second type of attachment, the preoccupieds. In adult relationships, they are into co-dependency, prone to jealousy, hot and cold, and moody. They have to be in the presence of someone, have to be in a relationship no matter how lousy it is. The third attachment reaction involves kids who ignore their mother when she returns. These are dismissive avoidants. They have learned that mother is away for long time periods and "to hell with her"--because her return is not systematically predictable. In a sense, these kids feel unloved. These kids become self-reliant and are dismissive of forming adult relationships because they have learned that they must rely only on themselves. They fear being hurt. The fourth kind of attachment is the fearful avoidant. These kids feel unloved as well. When the mother leaves, the child withdraws and goes into a corner, has difficulty playing with others. When the mother returns, the child does not return immediately to the mother like the preoccupied does but returns sooner than the dismissive avoidant. Dismissive avoidants feel good about themselves while fearful avoidants feel bad about themselves. Dismissive avoidants view others negatively as do fearful avoidants.

The "brat" sounds like he is either a preoccupied or dismissive avoidant. I would need to know exactly what happens when the mother leaves and what happens when she returns.

The bottom line of attachment theory is that the relationship between a mother and her child has life-long affects on the child. Personally, I would never date a woman who has problems with her mother. In our society, there are terms referring to this such as "mama's boy, peas of a pod, she's estranged from her mother." It's interesting that there are lots of mother-in-law jokes. Yet, where are all the father-in-law jokes? I don't hear them.

I often tell my students that if you want to know how a man is going to treat you, ask yourself the following questions and THINK VERY SERIOUSLY on your answers. Ponder and reflect on the answers.

• What does the man say about his mother behind her back? Is it positive or negative?
• Does he withhold and hide things from his mother?
• Does he respect his mother?
• What is his relationship with his mother like?
• Does his mother like you?

If a man treats his mother with respect and has positive relations with her, there is a higher probability that the man will treat you with esteem and respect according to attachment theory.

Sally, the research indicates that in-law interference is a major problem in some marriages. The reasons for this are complex involving the parents wanting to control their child, jealousy of another "pseudo-child" entering the scene, and basically giving up their control bond while the child becomes independent. On the one hand, your in-laws sound concerned. I don't know what his career goal is. You need to encourage him to pursue a career or job that he can enjoy and use his innate talents. Recent surveys indicate that many people dislike their jobs because they are not mentally challenged and don't like their immediate supervisors. The number one predictor of satisfaction with a job is how well you get along with your boss, not what you make.

If you are in debt, I would consider seeing a family debt counselor to construct a budget. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE of telling your in-laws personal disclosures that your husband has confided in you. The breaking of trust is detrimental to marriage. I have an old saying, TRUST IS SOMETHING THAT IS EARNED, NOT GIVEN. To give trust blindly is naïve. My colleagues and I investigated this when I was working on my doctorate years ago at the University of Illinois. It's called, BETRAYING CONFIDENCES. Do not, tell an intimate disclosure by a loved one to someone else. Often, the loved one founds out about the breaking of trust and the relationship is tarnished, if not irrefutably destroyed.

You love your husband. Support him and encourage him in a career path without being nagging. Tell him what he is good at.

When they pump you for information and you don't want to alienate them, I would do the following. Tell them that you and your husband haven't discussed the issue because you are putting faith in God to guide you as well as your own intellect. Tell them that you appreciate their concern, but he and you must make your own destiny as much as they did when they first got married. If they are unreceptive to this, then say, "Well, I wish you could understand and empathize. We appreciate your concern."

As I indicate in my book, Cognition, Communication, and Romantic Relationships, individuals in love often think about their partner outside of his/her physical presence. This is called INTRUSIVE THINKING. You think about her all the time and become obsessed. Unfortunately, there are NONVERBAL CUES indicating that she has gone on. When you ask her how her weekend was and she doesn't respond; her lack of response is communicating, "I don't want to hurt you, but I was busy doing something else." If this weren't the case, she would tell you. In her mind, the relationship is over because there is little communication, she makes no attempt to communicate with you, and when you ask her about her weekend, her non-response indicates she was busy doing something else.

It's quite odd that you saw each other when arriving home at a bar. Why didn't you see each other at your or her home? The fact you saw her at a bar signifies that you were meeting in a public place; not a private home. That indicates psychological distance.

The only thing you can do is the following: Over the Christmas break, ask her if she would like to do something such as a concert, seeing Christmas lights at a public event (e.g., Christmas on the River in Baton Rouge), eating dinner together. Then at some point, you can casually ask her if she has been dating others. By the way, if she agrees to a dinner, give her a small box of holiday chocolates since it is the season "to be jolly."

Be prepared for rejection; in other words, she may say no. You need to be kind, considerate, and encourage her in her topics of interaction. COMMUNICATION IS THE RELATIONSHIP. Guys often have a difficult time trying to figure this out if they ever figure it out. For many, they only have figured it out, when the relationship is over.

The fact you went away to two different colleges plays into social-exchange theory. She probably has found what is known as a comparison alternative; in blunt terms, she is seeing other people or pursuing other interests, hobbies, studies, and so on. Apparently, you have not found a comparison alternative at your college. I empathize with that.

You sound like a whore. In an equitable world, he should also be able to demand that you pay for sex. Years ago, Richard Gere starred in a movie called, American Gigolo in which Debbie Harry of Blondie had a hit song called, "Call Me."

Seriously, I do discuss this issue in my communication and relationships class in terms of what is known as resource theory. There are 6 resources: love, service, status, information, goods, and money which differ on how concrete or abstract they are.

  1. Love -- Expressions of warmth, comfort, sharing, belonging through eye contact and smiles--This can only be obtained by very few persons in your life

  2. Service -- Labor, work, or concrete behaviors performed on the body, possessions, or environment

  3. Status -- Evaluative judgment that conveys high or low prestige in terms of community standards (e.g., being married to a professor has more status than being married to a store clerk)

  4. Information -- Advice, opinion, instructions, facts, knowledge

  5. Goods -- aterial possessions exclusive of money

  6. Money -- Self-explanatory

According to resource theory, people are motivated to engage in certain behaviors whenever quantities of resources fall outside the optimal range. The optimal range represents the points between a lower amount of resource below which the person feels a need for that resource and is motivated to gain more of it, and an upper amount beyond which a person feels satisfied and is motivated to exchange some of that resource for some other. Optimum range varies from resource to resource. Love is thought to have a narrow optimum range since only a few can provide it while service and status have wider optimum ranges than love but less than goods and information. Money is most universalistic since it can be obtained from a wide variety of sources and employeers.

Resources tend to be exchanged in kind. Love is exchanged for love. This is called marriage or a close romantic bond. Love is similar to status and services, somewhat different than goods and information and very different from money. In fact, love, services, and status are so similar that they may be transferred together in the same behvior.

Denial of a resource has been studied. Denial of love (sex) is a universal weapon of retaliation. How many partners make love right after an argument? To demand money for "making love" is horrible. Resources tend to be exchanged in kind. Yet, there are societal laws against the exchange of resources farther away. For example, exchanging love for money is called prostitution. Spurned lovers in marriage often will deny sex to retaliate against being hurt by their partner. The withholding of resources causes relationships to end.

You need to curb the spending habit. If you are in debt, see a debt counselor.

NO. Distinguish your own self-absorption, conceit, and egocentricity from wishful thinking in terms of hoping what you desire others may think. There's a lot of research on people who are egocentric and how hard they are to get along with. The answer is NO.

Since she has never demonstrated any signs of female preference, I would respect her behavioral inclinations. Still if you must persist, you could ask her if she likes men, women, or both. Ask her this in a supportive, nondefensive mode such that you can actually make a few jokes leading up to the question. I will add this, the research by psychologist Roy Baumeister of Case Western University in Cleveland, Ohio indicates that bisexuality is more prevalent among women. Many lesbians view bisexual women as in transition and as denying their true sexuality and regard them with distrust according to the research of Clausen and Rust.